Hey guys, welcome back! Before I get into today’s topic, I wanted to share some very exciting news with you. I am launching a brand-new program called Master Your Marriage & Your Mind!!
So, here’s what’s different about this program. Up until now, I’ve been working 1:1 with women helping them improve their marriage and find inner peace. But one they finished working with me, I still had so much I wanted to teach them that I didn’t get to. So, I decided to put all the education, concepts, tips, and action steps into one self-paced course.
When you sign up for my new program, you get that course. But that’s just a small part of what you get. I’m starting a group to go along with that course of women who are ready to take the information in that course and actually implement it in their marriage. We’re going to workshop, role play, and coach live. But that’s not all. You also get a private session with me every month plus unlimited access to me in between sessions through messenger.
I am SO EXCITED to offer this level of support to you. This package has it all. Community, mentorship, education, application, and guidance. It’s also the most affordable way to work with me. so get in on the ground floor of this introductory offer because I will be raising the price as time goes on. We start March 11th so send me an email if you want some more info. Elana@nullpartnershipaligned.com
Ok now on to the show. So today I am here to give you some news. It’s not going to sound like good news but I promise you it is. Are you ready? Here it is… Your relationship with your partner exists only in your head.
I know I sound like a crazy person but stay with me. Have you ever had two people tell you about the same conversation but in completely different ways? Oh yeah, you know what I’m talking about.
There have been many studies that show that if you interview two people who were in the exact same car wreck, in the same car, both passengers in the back seat, they will tell you a completely different story. Why? Because they interpreted the accident through different lenses. No one is lying, they just tell you their story the way they see it.
This idea of two people being in the exact same situation, all variables constant, and coming out of it with completely different experiences… this is exactly what inspired me to become a therapist. I remember noticing this phenomenon as a pre-teen and just being fascinated.
If you’re listening to this show, you are most likely in a long-term relationship or marriage. Which means that you have definitely had the experience of walking away from a conversation with your partner only to realize later that they interpreted that conversation completely differently. And it baffles you, right?
How could they have possibly gotten that from what you said? By the way, if you experience this often and it leads to conflict with your partner, check out episode 73 titled The Secret to Ending the Conflict.
Ok so back to the point of this episode. Your relationship with your partner exists in your thoughts. That’s right. The way you feel about your partner comes from the way you think about your partner. So if you’re feeling good about your relationship right now, it’s because you’re thinking thoughts like… “we are so good together” or “I just love this and that about him…” and if it’s feeling really hard right now, you’re thinking things like, “He just doesn’t understand me,” or “why does he keep doing that thing I asked him not to do 647 times?”
Your feelings come from your thoughts. And so your relationship with your partner exists in your thoughts. However you are thinking about them right now is the energy of your relationship with them right now. The craziest part is that their relationship with you is totally in their head! Most of the time, two people are in different relationships WITH EACH OTHER!
I’m going to say that again: Your relationship with your partner is in your head and your partner’s relationship with you is in their head!
So let’s take an example. I’m about to get real personal up in here. A few weeks after my son was born, my then husband and I were talking about sex. He wanted to start having it again soon and I wasn’t ready. I’m sure some of you are out there nodding your head because I’ve had MANY conversations with women on this topic.
During that conversation, I felt pressured. I felt like he was not being respectful about what my body had just gone through, and I felt unseen. But for him, and I know this because we later talked about it, he thought he did a great job of showing me that he still wanted me regardless of what my body had gone through and that he was attracted to me no matter what. He walked away from that conversation thinking that he made me feel wanted.
We were essentially in two different relationships at that point. He was feeling pretty good about it and I was not. It wasn’t until we later had a more open conversation that we realized it. And obviously the other part of this is that I was not open with him about how the conversation was making me feel. I learned more about myself from that marriage then from anything else.
So now that you understand the concept I am trying to teach you here, I will tell you why it’s good news! You see, if your relationship is in your thoughts, then it’s good news because you have control over your thoughts! I know some of you may feel like you have no control over your thoughts but I promise you, you do. It’s a learned skill that I teach intensely in my coaching program.
The first step to changing your thoughts is to get really good at observing the ones you have now. And then to question them. Byron Katie has four questions that she asks people to really help them challenge their own thoughts. My favorite one is “Who would you be without that thought?” I love this question! Because a thought can really stop you from being a freer, more evolved version of yourself.
Most of the time, you and your partner are in different relationships because you are having different thoughts. But here’s the thing. The closest you ever get to being in the same relationship is when you are having an open, honest conversation.
When you come into a shared space and tell each other what your thoughts are, you can dismantle each other’s false beliefs and presumptions, you can connect over pain or hardship one of you is feeling, you can support each other, get to know each other’s thoughts, and tell each other how you feel. This is what we call emotional intimacy. And it is the ultimate form of connection.
So what are your thoughts about your partner right now? Your experience within your relationship exists in that answer. And of course, it changes, right? Sometimes daily! But the more important question is, “Are your thoughts about your partner serving you and your relationship?” Do they feel good? Do they stimulate you to be curious and loving? Do they have you stuck?
And whether you’re right or wrong doesn’t matter here. What matters is that you’re having the experience you want to have. I know you think that your partner has to do something differently in order for you to feel better, but I PROMISE you that’s not true.
So here’s what I want you to do. Take out a piece of paper and do a thought download on your partner. Meaning verbally vomit onto that paper all your thoughts and feelings about them right now. Then, pull a thought out of that download and ask yourself, how does this thought make me feel? Then take that feeling and ask yourself, how do I act when I feel this way? Then take all those actions and ask yourself what result you are creating for yourself with those actions.
This is a very powerful exercise that I take clients through all the time. I watch the light turn on in their eyes as they see where they hold the power. If you are someone who is serious about this work, go ahead and do the exercise and then send it to me through email so I can give you some tips and feedback. My email again is Elana@nullpartnershipaligned.com
