Hey guys, welcome back to the show! If you’re listening to this around the time that it airs then we are in full holiday season. Christmas is a week away, Hanukkah just finished and New Years is around the corner.
I want to give you some real talk today about what it REALLY takes to have a great holiday with your partner. Because studies show that partners argue more around the holidays.
This doesn’t surprise me. People have very specific expectations for the holidays. And if you’ve been listening to this show then you know that expectations are just pre-meditated resentments. If you want a whole podcast episode on expectations, check out Ep. 6 – Are your expectations causing you pain? I’ll link that below for you.
But before we get into expectations between you and your partner around the holidays, let’s take a look at the expectations that American society creates around the holidays.
First, there’s the commercials. Everyone is drinking eggnog while perfect snow falls outside. A family member is singing holiday songs by the piano and the kids are playing with the dog – all who have matching sweaters on. Including the dog.
And in mid-December, which we are in right now. I’m recording this on December 17th, these commercials make up 2/3 of what’s on T.V. Not to mention billboards, radio ads, store fronts, and holiday movies.
The point of these commercials is to get you to BUY this experience. If you buy your wife that new car, she will look at you like you are a God. If you buy little Timmy that new bike, he will have a happy childhood. It’s all just psychological manipulation. And it works.
But this is old news. And I think a lot of us are smart enough to know that this is just tv marketing and isn’t necessarily reality. But then comes social media. And this is where I think moms get really fucked up. Because people are posting real live photos of themselves with their families doing these tv ad type of things.
So, now its not just a commercial where executives have a clear motive – get people to buy their stuff. Now it’s real people doing these real things which makes everyone else think – oh wait I’m supposed to be doing these things too!
I won’t get into the psychology of comparison on social media because we don’t have time for that but I will just say that people post that one minute they were able to get everyone in matching pajamas and smiling. But the other 23 hours and 59 minutes is mayhem just like your life. But we compare our every day to that one perfect minute someone was able to capture on camera. And then we feel like we’re behind.
So, what does all this have to do with your marriage? Well, now that you are putting these expectations on yourself to create these perfect memories – your partner being a real person in the world might get in the way.
He may not care about any of this stuff. What I hear most is that he’s fine with it and will cooperate but doesn’t take any initiative to make any of it happen. This can be frustrating to a woman who has convinced herself that making these holiday moments happen dictates the happiness in the family.
So, in short we are talking about expectations. What are your expectations for this holiday season? Do you expect to have a specific experience? Do you expect your spouse or one of your kids to feel differently than they normally do? Check yourself. Finish the following sentence. The holidays should be….. OR The holidays should not be…. Pay attention to what comes up. These are your stories. These are the stories and expectations that you have created about the holiday season. And then take it one step further. If these things do not happen, what will you make that mean?
So, what is the secret to having a great holiday season with your partner? Lower your expectations and communicate. Ask your partner what they expect from the holiday season and then let them in on your expectations. Maybe you can make some of it happen for each other – that’s a beautiful thing! Other expectations may need to be adjusted based on the conversation.
But the point is you’re having a conversation. The most fascinating thing I see when it comes to expectations is that no one tells the person what they expect of them! Then they feel resentful when their expectation is not fulfilled.
So, when it comes to holiday travel or holiday hosting, have a kind and direct conversation about who’s handling what and how can we support each other. Then be willing to let go of some things. The beauty of letting go of expectations is that then you’re free to look around and appreciate what’s actually going on! As opposed to feeling like there is something missing.
So, my suggestion to you is to take an inventory. Take inventory of your expectations, of your capacity, of what you actually want to do vs. what you are doing out of obligation, and most importantly take inventory of what you make ti all mean about your life and family.
Cause the holiday season will pass. 2 more weeks and it’s over. Learning to communicate with your partner and getting on the same page will set you up for a reward that lasts way more than 2 weeks.
Happy Holidays!
