Hey guys, welcome back to the show! So today I want to go over my ten relationship commandments. Or the ten concepts that I help you implement when you’re enrolled in my private coaching program.
Because there is ten of them, and I like keeping these episodes bite sized, I won’t go into too much detail on each. But for the ones that I have a more in-depth podcast episode, I’ll link it for you. That way, if you hear one of these ten concepts and you’re like “oh yeah, that’s the one I need to work on” you have somewhere to start! And for the ones I don’t have a full episode on, I’m making a note to record one!
Also, if you’re recommending my podcast to someone else, which by the way thank you so much to those of you have been doing that, this is a great episode for someone new to me to start with!
1.Look for things to love. Your brain is a powerful machine. What you look for, you will find. So, if you notice that your thoughts about your partner are quite shitty, this is something that is within your control. In my program, I take you through an exercise where you re-write your story. It’s so powerful for you to see that you can tell any story from a positive perspective or from a negative perspective.
This doesn’t mean I believe in toxic positivity. Sometimes things suck and I’m all about embracing the suck when needed. But in marriage, I often find that partners are focusing on all the wrong things. So, look for things to love. What do you love about your partner? When was the last time you told them what you love about them?
2. Check your ego. This is an ongoing journey. If you’re someone who is on a spiritual path, you know that it basically consists of checking your ego over and over again for the sake of growth and serenity. In some relationships, it isn’t even two people who are interacting with one another – just two egos.
It’s important to wake up to the fact that when your ego runs the show, you are left powerless. The way I see this playing out in marriage is when someone comes to me so resentful only to figure out they’ve been taking everything personally. I have a really popular podcast episode, number 44 – How to Stop Getting Upset with Your Partner
3. Stop trying to change or control them. This one is my favorite and I’ll tell you why. It is absolutely futile trying to get someone else to change. I promise you, you’ve never been successful at it. It’s possible you’ve manipulated someone into acting different for a short period of time but it’s not sustainable.
Also, It doesn’t work! Something I love to talk about is our limited, precious energy. We need to be very intentional about how we use it. Trying to get someone else to be different is extremely energy consuming. And then we have very little energy left to work on ourselves or to focus on something that’s within our control.
If you think you need to change your partner or that you can’t be happy until they do, then I’ve got a great episode for you. Number 52 titled Finding Inner Peace in a Difficult Relationship
4. Pick your battles. Let stuff go. Some things are really worth getting into an argument about. Values, boundaries, recurring patterns, etc. And I actually believe in conflict being a path to connection. Another thing I show you how to do in my program.
But some things just aren’t worth it! Little things that annoy you, or your preferences… these are battles not to choose. Let that shit go. I want you to ask yourself, How important is this really? Now, if you have some kind of deep seeded resentment towards your partner, then everything is going to feel important because it’s all going to be exacerbated by it. If this sounds like you, check out Five Steps to Releasing Resentment – episode 34.
5. Tell the truth. Don’t be fooled by the wording, I’m not really talking about lying in the traditional sense. I mean tell the truth about what you want, who you are, and how you’re feeling. Give your partner the opportunity to be in a relationship with YOU! As opposed to the version of yourself that shows up when things get tough.
One of the things I see a lot is people pleasing, which I’m so sorry to tell you is lying. People pleasing is completely understandable – it comes from a very deep, valid part of you that feels the need to be agreeable in order to feel secure in your relationship. But it is dishonesty and it is the quickest road to resentment. For more on this topic, listen to episode 10 – the Price of People Pleasing Your Partner.
6. Release your expectations. This is a tricky one because we’ve been raised to believe that we should have set standards and expectations in our lives. But I think that expectations are just premeditated resentments.
Most women I talk to have not even clearly and directly articulated their expectations to their partner. Either they expect them to read their mind, or if they have said something it has either been during a blowout fight or as a passive aggressive comment.
And for the ones who have clearly and directly expressed their expectations, there still needs to be an understanding that your partner may not want to or be able to fulfill them. Releasing expectations, within reason of course – we are talking about everyday marriage stuff, not abusive or toxic stuff – is emotional freedom! When you stop trying to make your partner fit into a box, you can zoom out and appreciate them for who they actually are. For more on this topic, listen to 6 titled Are Your Expectations Causing You Pain?
7. Make your own happiness and meet your own needs. Ok here it comes, are you ready? It is not your partner’s job to make you happy. Because they can’t. Your happiness comes from the way you choose to think about yourself and your relationship. They can do and say certain things that make it easier for you to choose good thoughts, but at the end of the day the way you think about things will dictate your experience. Your emotional life is your responsibility. For more on this topic, check out ep. 43, Is Your Relationship Emotionally Mature?
8. Be the mate you want to have. Let’s not make demands or have expectations that your partner will show up a certain way when you aren’t. In the twelve step world, we use something called a Relationship Ideal. This is when you write down all the characteristics in your ideal partner. So maybe you would list out honest, communicative, affectionate, etc.
Then you take that list and you start focusing on showing up in the world with those exact characteristics. This is a genius tool. Not only does it get you thinking, but it puts the focus back on you. You are what you attract, we’ve all heard this. And for the most part this is true. So becoming the person you would want your partner to be is a path full of growth.
I’ve taken the relationship ideal and morphed it into a coaching tool that I use in my program. I help you work on each characteristic and I often put a spiritual twist on it.
9. Be vulnerable. I know this is tough sometimes. There is a lot of fear associated with vulnerability. Fear of rejection, of not being validated, of being judged. All valid fears. But we don’t want to make decisions from fear. And when you choose not to be vulnerable, you rob yourself of the experience of intimacy.
Intimacy comes from sharing openly and vulnerably. Keeping your guard up is a sure way to feel disconnected. Getting real with your partner about the experience you’re having internally is so powerful. It also invites them to be vulnerable with you as well. I have a free guide called 21 Questions that will Bring You and Your Partner Closer than Ever. All 21 questions are designed to promote intimacy. Click on the link in the show notes and you can download it for free right now. But if you prefer a podcast episode, number 32 titled How to Be Vulnerable With Your Partner.
10. Always be willing to communicate. If you don’t talk it out, you’re gonna act it out. This is a HUGE part of my program. Without communication, you’ve got nothing. No intimacy, no connection, no growth, nada.
Communication skills are something that you can learn. But the willingness to communicate – that’s on you. Being willing to work through your fears, hear your partner out with curiosity and compassion, and talk about things that make you uncomfortable – that is the magic formula, my friend.
Easier said than done, I know. But you can take baby steps. Because as long as you keep working at it, those baby steps really add up. I have communication tips and concepts running throughout many of my episodes, but I would say a good place to start would be on episode 29 titled My Top Five Communication Tips.
Ok so those are my ten relationship commandments. And the ten concepts I help you implement in my 1:1 coaching program. So if you know this is the work you need to do, what are you waiting for? There’s never going to be a perfect time and the longer you wait, the more complicated it all gets. Make the decision to invest in your quality of life by improving your most intimate relationship. Scroll down to the show notes, schedule a free call with me, and let’s talk about it.
