Hey everybody, welcome back to the show. So I wanted to tackle this statement I get from a lot of people when they DM me on Instagram. And that statement is “my partner just doesn’t understand me.”
Now, when I start coaching a woman who feels this way, I have three questions/tests I put her through before I really allow her to settle on this idea that he just doesn’t understand her. So, I want to share those questions here with you.
The first one is, have you actually told your partner what it is you want them to understand? Now I know this question seems silly. But you would be surprised how many women I talk to are expecting their partner to understand them without really communicating what it is they are going through.
This comes down to that whole concept of wanting your partner to read your mind. I have a special guest coming on in August to do a deep dive into this topic but for now, let’s take a quick look at it.
Really think about it. The things that you feel your husband doesn’t understand about you… have you told him? Have you used clear, direct words? Have you used statements that begin with “I am” or “I feel.”
Often what I see is women stifling themselves and then stewing in resentment. They want their partner to be different or be in tune with their experience but they don’t want to sit down and explain what it is that they are experiencing. This is unrealistic and setting yourself up for failure. So first and foremost, really ask yourself whether you’ve told your partner what it is you want them to know.
Now if you’ve passed that little test and you can honestly say “yes, I have told my partner that I am feeling overwhelmed” or whatever it is you want them to know… then the second question is have you told them recently?
I often hear women say that they talked about this a few years ago with their partner so they should just know. But remember that open communication in a relationship is ongoing. It may take several conversations over time for your partner to really understand. It’s not their experience so it won’t come natural for them to get it. So, have you told them recently?
And the third question is what I think trips people up the most. And that is, have you told them calmly? Because here’s what happens. Usually, it’s something emotionally charged that you want your partner to understand. Maybe it’s how their words are affecting you or you feel like they don’t help enough with the kids and you’re doing it all alone… whatever it is, it’s most likely emotional for you.
When we as humans are feeling emotional and then on top of that feel misunderstood, we do one of two things – either we shut down or we lash out. And that is the opposite of what creates understanding and connection.
Now, I totally get it. I want to be understood too. And I’m not telling you not to get emotional. Anyone who knows me knows that I strongly encourage being vulnerable with your partner. But sometimes when we are feeling emotional and misunderstood, that fight or flight – that shut down or lash out – can be confusing and hurtful to a partner and then they in turn either shut down or lash out.
And then what happens is that the topic gets switched from whatever it is you’re trying to tell them to the fact that you shut down or lashed out. The reactions and the patterns become the issue and the original point you wanted to make is lost in the shuffle.
Now you guys are talking about who ignored who first or who raised their voice first. The topic of what you want your partner to understand about you is long gone and it’s been replaced with more frustration and resentment.
So, my suggestion is that at a less emotionally charged time, to talk to your partner calmly about how you’re feeling. I know that’s not easy but there are a few things you can do to prepare for that. I like to write out how I’m feeling before I talk to someone. I want to weed out anything that’s just my ego talking or isn’t useful. I want to come to the conversation with what really needs to be said.
If you want to have a difficult conversation with your partner but it makes you nervous, check out episode 13 titled Rules for Having a Difficult Conversation with Your Partner. I’ll link that for you in the show notes.
Ok, now. If you’ve passed all these little tests – you’ve actually told your partner directly what it is you want them to know, you’ve told them recently, and you’ve told them calmly, then yes… it is very possible that your partner just doesn’t understand you. Let’s talk about that.
Of course, your partner doesn’t understand you. And you probably don’t fully understand them. How could you? You each see the world through different lens. It’s like you’re actually wearing different glasses that give you different views. Your glasses filter out certain things that his glasses don’t and vice versa.
The best way to begin understanding each other is to begin talking about your lens. Conversations that include cluing each other in to past experiences and beliefs, aka your lens, are the ones that are most successful. I have a colleague who says, “everything makes sense in context.” Time to learn their context and to share yours.
Having compassion for the fact that your partner does not see the world through your lens and having curiosity for what his lens might look like – that’s the ticket right there.
And as a side note, if you want your husband to understand something that he literally cannot – for example what it’s like to go through childbirth or what it’s like to stay home with the kids (if that’s your setup) – but he’s never gave birth or stayed home with the kids on a regular basis – then let’s just call a spade a spade – he’s not gonna get it!
In these cases, I suggest just telling him what it is you need. And be very very specific. One of the biggest points of miscommunication is asking your partner for something conceptual. So for example, right now I’m working with a couple on bringing more acknowledgment and appreciation into the marriage – in both directions.
But this couple has very different ways of receiving acknowledgment so just talking about acknowledging each other is not enough. They need to get specific. They need to actually tell each other what partner can do. Something like, “when you come home from work, if you could ask me how my day with the kids was that would make me feel so seen.” Or “when I tell you I had a hard day, if you could just listen as opposed to try and fix it for me, that would make me feel so appreciated.”
I also just want to say that sometimes we can just decide that it’s totally ok that our partner doesn’t understand us. Sometimes it’s just about letting go of the need for them to understand and finding the anchor within us to give ourselves what we need and maybe find camaraderie with other moms or a trusted friend or coach. It really depends on the situation.
Ok listen, I just ended with three clients this month. So I actually have some space right now! So if you feel stuck like you and your partner just do not understand each other – do not communicate effectively – and cannot seem to figure this thing out on your own, you’re not alone! Most couples need some guidance and support.
I would be honored to be that guide and support. Scroll down the show notes, schedule a free consult with me and let’s talk about what it is you’re going through.
