Hey guys, welcome back! Last week I celebrated Partnership Aligned Podcast’s one year anniversary! Which means this episode is the first episode of year 2! Woohoo!! I really love doing this podcast.
So today I wanted to explore this idea of a selfish partner. Notice that in the title, I didn’t specify whether the selfish partner was your significant other – or you.
So let’s start with what’s NOT selfish but often gets identified as so. The first one is self-care. I’ve been coaching on this a lot lately. This is not an episode on self-care but if that’s your journey right now, check out episode 50 titled Daily Habits That Lower Stress in Relationships. In that episode, Miriam Gallifant and I give lots of concrete tips on how to practice self-care in a way that benefits your relationship.
But anyway, back to my point, self-care is not selfish. And under that same umbrella, neither is taking time away for yourself or from your partner. Getting alone time is healthy, reasonable, and necessary. I mean think about it, if you never spend time with you then how are you supposed to foster your relationship with yourself?
Having non-negotiables is also not selfish. What is a non-negotiable? It’s an area in your life that you are just not willing to bend on because it is so important to you that if you did bend on it, you would be unhappy. So for example, one of my non-negotiables is going to bed at a reasonable hour. I am one of those people who is highly affected by lack of sleep. I get headaches and I’m miserable. I need 8 hours, point blank. So I’m very rarely willing to bend on my bedtime. Because when I do, I’m unhappy the next day. And guess what suffers- that’s right, my relationships!
So, you’re starting to see the theme here right. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. In fact, I think not taking care of yourself is selfish. Because who wants a partner who doesn’t tend to themselves physically, mentally, or emotionally? One of my favorite quotes is by Esther Hicks. She says, “The greatest gift we can give our kids is our own wellbeing.” And that applies to our partners too. Not taking care of yourself puts your partner in a position where they’re now married to someone that isn’t part of their own rescue.
And we of course all ebb and flow. No one takes care of every part of themselves all the time. But I’m talking about habitually or on an ongoing basis. It’s tough to live with that. And if you have a partner who takes care of themselves and you just don’t like the way they do it, then maybe you’re the selfish one!
Ok now let’s move on to signs of a selfish partner. The first one is always wanting to be right. I’ve talked about this on other episodes – I used to live to be right! Made me feel so satisfied and tingly. But it doesn’t make for a good partner.
Because as long as you’re focused on proving you’re right, there’s no way you can hear what your partner is actually saying. There’s no space for curiosity – which is the most important emotion in a relationship by the way. So if you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, my biggest suggestion is that you get curious. Make it your mission to ask questions and get an understanding of what they’re thinking and feeling. That type of interest and intention will create connection.
Ok the second thing I think makes a selfish partner – and this one is controversial so some of you won’t like this – is the expectation that your partner should manage how their family interacts with you. Now, I’m not talking about extreme situations where family members won’t accept you based on your race or religion.
I’m talking about the every day in-law interactions that I hear so often in my coaching sessions. Don’t like that your mother-in-law is passive aggressive? Well, I bet your partner doesn’t either. Don’t like that your father-in-law is a know it all? Your partner’s been dealing with that their whole life!
But it puts them in quite a position when you expect them to somehow change how their family acts around you just because it upsets you. Your husband is not his family. He can’t control them, change them, or manage them. So be an adult and handle your business. Have conversations with your in-laws, set boundaries if needed, and create your own relationships with them. Refusing to spend any time with them is not sustainable. I know someone’s gonna come at me about that one but I don’t care.
Ok the third sign that you are a selfish partner is that you routinely give the silent treatment. This is different than taking some space to regroup and come back to a difficult conversation. The silent treatment is an intentional ignoring to manipulate a partner’s actions. I struggled with this for a long time. But one of the best things I did for myself and my relationships was to work through this issue. If this resonates with you, check out episode 4 titled, “The Silent treatment or The Silent Love Killer?”
The fourth sign of a selfish partner is one who doesn’t allow their significant other to have their emotions. I often see people wanting their partner to just “get over it.” If your partner is struggling or is having an emotional reaction to something – just let them. Hold space for them and offer them support. Whether it’s about you or about work or about the kids or whatever – they get to feel however they feel and wanting them to feel different so that you can feel better is selfish. But also very common.
In fact, it’s one of the most common things I coach on. This idea that if partner would just be different, then you could feel better or be happy. But the truth is that someone else’s emotions don’t have to be your problem – yes even if its your spouse. Everyone has their own private world inside of them. Your partner might want to be upset right now. Or maybe their upset comes from a very unhealthy expectation. That’s their work to do.
Again, they are entitled to feel how they feel and you don’t have to make it about you. If you find yourself taking everything your partner says or does personally, check out episode 44 titled, How to Stop Getting Upset With Your Partner. That one was wildly popular and hit home with a lot of people.
Ok so my main points today are: there’s no way you are always right, curiosity is the way to a healthier relationship, allow your partner to have their own emotions, and take responsibility for yours. That right there basically sums up how to have an emotionally mature relationship.
But this stuff isn’t easy, and knowledge is not power. Knowing this stuff is not enough, you have to apply it. You have to know how to implement these concepts in your everyday life and that takes making changes. So, if you’re really ready to make some changes in your relationship, I’d like to invite you to get on a free call with me. Let’s talk about what’s going on and what feels hardest for you. If we’re a good fit, I’ll give you some options to work with me. You don’t’ have to figure this out alone. If you’re interested, scroll down to the show notes and book that call.
