Hey everybody, welcome back to the show! So let me ask you a question. Do you have control over your reactions? When your partner says or does something that upsets you, do you immediately react and say things you wish you didn’t? Or raise your voice, curse, name call. All of those things are reactions. What you want to do is start responding instead of reacting.
Ok so what is the difference? Well, in my opinion, reacting is an immediate, rash answer to someone else’s words or actions. It does not necessarily represent who you are or how you want to show up. It’s quick, and without control or balanced thought.
Responding on the other hand is actually a spin off from the word responsibility. It is a considerate, deliberate, responsible behavior that reflects who you are and not just how you feel about your partner’s current vibe.
In a minute, I’m going to tell you how to respond vs. react, but first let’s talk about why this is even important. I mean why should you even care? I have three reasons for you:
- If you’re listening to this podcast, that means that you really value self-growth and inner work. It is my goal in life to evolve my character as much as I can. I strive to be balanced, calm, in control, and authentic to my values.
But I’m human and I get pissed. And I have my pet peeves. For examples, when people exhibit a sense of entitlement, I have this visceral reaction and I just want to put them in their place. I don’t know what that is. I think maybe because I value gratitude so much and to me entitlement feels like the opposite of gratitude. So yeah I get pissed. And that’s totally ok. Part of being an authentic human is giving myself lots of compassion for how I feel. There’s never anything wrong with the way I feel. But as an adult, I get to choose to separate how I feel from how I conduct myself. And that is me improving me.
2. This is your life partner. Your partner in life. Which means you don’t want to hurt them. At least not most of the time right… jk. And some things just can’t be unsaid or undone. It’s important not to say hurtful things out of anger all the time. It keeps the conversation stuck in a vicious cycle of reacting to each other and no resolution comes out of that. So essentially, it’s useless behavior. It has no use. It serves you in no way.
3. And the third reason is for all you mamas listening. Your kids are watching. Your kids will respond to the world the way you do. And if they grow up watching you yell and curse at your partner, guess what they will learn? That’s right, that this is what a relationship looks like. So when they grow up, they will go looking for that because they will mistake it for love.
Ok so enough about the problem – let’s talk solution! How do you switch from being someone who reacts to someone who responds? The answer is space. Responding is all about putting space between you and your next reaction. That’s it. The space you put between you and your reactions are emotional freedom. Balance, control, an opportunity to respond in a way that serves the marriage.
OK so essentially, we are talking about a pause, right? Now, in some instances, a ten second pause is all you need. And in other instances, you legit need to leave the room or take some space for the day in order to come back and respond.
So, how do we do that? Well, I actually have a step-by-step process to what to do in those moments. You can get that full process in detail by listening to episode 24, titled How to Stay Calm in an Argument. I’ll link that in the show notes for you. And because there’s a whole episode on that, I’m going to just give you the overview here and then I’ll move into some other helpful tips.
So the gist of the process is to walk away for a minute, tell your partner you need to take a break so that you can return to the conversation in a solution-focused way, then go write down all the things you want to say but won’t, get some support or do some breathing, and then return to the conversation using specific prompts. There’s a lot more to it but again go listen to episode 24 to get that deep dive and those conversation prompts. It’s only about 10 minutes long.
But what I want you to know here is that taking that pause is a skill and a habit. And how do we build skills and habits? That’s right practice practice practice. And yes we practice in the moment of course but actually this is the kind of thing you can practice on a daily basis outside of your partnership in order to make it easier to take that pause when you need to.
So here are a couple things you can do:
- Practice breathwork or meditation every day. This can be literally one minute a day to start. You can use an app or just do it on your own. Breathwork has literally changed my life. I can’t tell you the last time I said something I regret. That doesn’t’ mean I wasn’t thinking it because trust me I was. But I took that pause and didn’t say it, therefore making my life more peaceful. And why was I able to not say it? Because I practice pausing and breathing every day. If you’re not doing that in your daily life, you’re going to have a hard time doing that in the heat of an argument.
- Practice in other relationships that are easier for you. So if you have kids, practice taking a breath when they drive you crazy. You are likely already doing this in some capacity – lets be honest having kids comes with some deep breathing – but be more intentional about it. Do it for longer, do it with counted breaths. You can also practice with relationships at work, family members, or friends. The world is a playground for practicing character-building attributes.
- And the third thing I recommend you do is tell your partner (on a regular day, not during a fight) that you want to work on not reacting rashly and that you will start taking a moment to pause or leave the room. Have a conversation about this strategy. Explain to them that you are working on yourself so to please support you in those moments and maybe even remind you.
Ok so the gist is to slow things down. Reacting is just your ego running the show. Responding is you choosing how you will show up. It takes practice but the more you do these things, the more in control you will be. The less apologizing you’ll have to do – replacing it with quicker resolutions and even deeper connection. Sounds like a good deal to me!
Need some help with this? This stuff is not easy. But it’s totally worth the work. If you’re someone who want to change the way you react to your partner but you just don’t know how to get there on your own, let’s chat. My program will teach you effective communication skills, calming techniques, and a model for how to control your thoughts, emotions and actions. So scroll down to the show notes and schedule a free call.
