Hey everyone, welcome back to the show. A couple months back I talked about boundaries with my guest Nancy Pickard in episode 41 and that episode was really popular. Made me realize that a lot of people are really struggling with this topic. So I wanted to come on here today and give you very clear directions for when to set a boundary with your partner and how.
The first thing I want you to know is that most situations do not require setting a boundary. Most people think that they need to set boundaries when really, they just need to voice a preference.
So what is the difference between a boundary and a preference? A Boundary is called for when your partner violates your physical or emotional space. A Boundary is a very clear request with a very clear consequence.
Examples of boundary violations: hitting, yelling, calling names, not allowing you to leave the room, cursing at you, smoking a cigarette in your face, etc.
A preference or an expectation would be something like, my partner should answer the phone every time I call. My partner shouldn’t get upset when I don’t answer the phone. My partner should always be on time. Things like that. This is where the concept of manuals come in.
A manual is this instruction book that we have in our head for how our partner should think, talk, act, and react. So if what you’re struggling with is an unmet expectation, listen to episode 6 titled, Are Your Expectations Causing You Pain for a deeper dive into that concept.
Once you’ve clarified that it is indeed a boundary issue, take the following steps (preferably with a coach) but of course not mandatory.
- Take ownership for how you’ve contributed to this boundary violation – Ok so this one is an inside job that I suggest you do before setting the boundary.Have you been people pleasing and all of a sudden just got honest? That’s totally ok, in fact I highly encourage it, but let’s not get surprised or huffy when your partner is taken aback. So if you’ve been people pleasing your partner or just not speaking up when a boundary has been crossed, own that. It is empowering. By the way, if people pleasing is the struggle here, take a listen to episode 10 titled The Price of People Pleasing Your Partner.
- Get yourself to a place of love -(or just not anger) about setting the boundary. The energy behind the boundary matters. You could say the exact same words but if you say it out of anger vs. out of love, it’s going to be a very different experience. Remember that boundaries are love. They are parameters that allow the relationship to be respectful and honest.
So let’s do an example. Let’s say anytime you and your partner disagree, they become disrespectful and call you names or scream at you. And until now, you haven’t formally set a boundary- the right way. Chances are you’ve probably told them out of anger that bothers you. Or maybe you’ve just mirrored them and screamed back.
This is totally understandable. But when you shift into a self love as opposed to anger, you can set a boundary around this behavior which will be more effective than any kind of retaliation, I promise you that.
- Decide ahead of time what the “consequence” will be – Don’t get hung up on the word consequence. Think of it as cause and effect. The consequence must be something that is within your control. So going back to the example with a partner who screams and calls names, the consequence would have to be something that you will do. So for example, I will leave the room or I will leave the house. The consequence should not be that if they yell and curse at you that they need to leave the room because you cannot control what they do. Do not put your boundary in someone else’s hands. If you are the one setting the boundary, then you are the one that should have the power to enforce it.
- Communicate the boundary kindly while taking ownership for any part you may have played. Use the formula IF YOU, THEN I WILL. So if you call me names, I will leave the room. If you cheat on me, I will file for divorce. If you put your hands on me, I will call the police. I know these are kind of extreme examples but I’m just trying to illustrate how no matter what, you must be the one who is in control of the consequence.
- Enforce the boundary if needed – This is the most important step! It’s also the hardest part. There is a good chance that your partner will cross the boundary, especially if you’ve stayed quiet about it for a while. If they weren’t capable of crossing this boundary, then you wouldn’t be setting it in the first place. So don’t be shocked if you need to actually enforce it. So make sure your consequence is something you are actually going to follow through with. I would rather you not set the boundary at all then set it and then not enforce it! NO BLUFFING! If you set a boundary and then don’t’ enforce it, you are abandoning yourself which will really do a number on your relationship with you. So, if you need to take some more time and get coached or do some inner work before you’re ready, then take that time.
- Thank them if they uphold the boundary. Acknowledge them and let them know how much you appreciate their respect.
Ok so that is the right way to set a boundary. And I know that it all sounds cutthroat and harsh, this stuff isn’t easy. But I want you to remember that boundaries are an act of love! Love for yourself and for your partner.
You are being an honest, authentic person who sets clear boundaries and then follows through. This makes you a safe, reliable person. Safe and reliable to them and to you. They know what to expect from you (even if they don’t like it) and you are pure and clean from any confusion, dishonesty, or people pleasing.
I want to acknowledge that this is tough work. Setting boundaries is scary. We are afraid of the conflict, the reaction, and the possible rejection of our boundaries. Many women I coach tell me they don’t want to face these things because what if their feelings and boundaries are dismissed. I totally get that. But I want to point out that by not voicing your concerns and boundaries, you are then dismissing yourself. I would rather someone else dismiss me then me dismiss me.
If you need some help with this, let’s hop on a free call and talk. I am trained in this stuff and can help you create a boundary that fits into your marriage – or show you that you’re actually dealing with an unmet expectation, and I have a whole other process for you there. Either way, I can help. Stop waiting for your relationship to get better and be the hero in your own story. So, scroll down to the show notes, schedule a free consult with me and let’s get you feeling good again.
