Hey everybody, welcome back to the show. So lately I’ve been noticing with a lot of my clients that there is quite a bit of manipulation happening in their relationships. And obviously manipulation has no home in a healthy relationship. But that doesn’t mean the relationship is a lost cause – at all! So I wanted to address it here.
I want to define for you what manipulation looks like in a relationship, why it’s so damaging, and give some common signs. As you listen, you may learn that you’re being manipulated OR you may learn that you are the manipulator. I see both when I coach.
I know there has definitely been manipulation in some of my relationships. I have been both manipulated and been the manipulator. I, of course, didn’t define it as such but part of my self-growth journey was getting really honest about my motives in relationships which was sometimes to manipulate my partner to be who I needed them to be. And in my marriage, I was definitely the one being manipulated. More on that later.
So let’s start with a definition of manipulation. There are several. But the one I think works best for what I want to talk about is the following: “Manipulation is controlling someone or something to your own advantage, often unfairly or dishonestly.”
Ok so let’s talk about what manipulation looks like in partnerships because it can be really obvious, or it can also be really subtle. I think the obvious ones would fall more under a blatant controlling nature such as not letting you hang out with friends or family, or your partner makes threats. This is emotional abuse and if you’re experiencing these things, definitely seek help.
But what I see when I’m coaching on relationships is more of the subtle kinds of manipulation – usually something like making their partner feel guilty for not having sex with them or giving the silent treatment for days on end, or being emotionally unpredictable, causing their partner to walk on eggshells – things like that. The reason I say it’s subtle is because usually a manipulative partner will turn it around and make the other partner feel like what’s happening is their fault.
A big sign that you’re being manipulated is that you feel guilty a lot even though you try and be a conscious partner. You’re constantly trying to manage your partner’s moods. This is more than just wanting to make them happy; this is abandoning yourself to make sure your partner’s needs are met without thought about your own needs because if you don’t, you’ll be put down or made to be the bad guy.
This of course will lead you to feel anxious a lot of the time because you’re always trying to manage them through changing you. If this goes on long enough, you start to lose your sense of self.
When I was married, my husband used to tell me I wasn’t supportive if I didn’t agree with him. He would come home from work bitching about whatever injustice he felt was done that day. He was very good with his words and would often make me feel bad when I didn’t agree with him.
I knew in my gut that something was off but I ignored it because I wanted to be a supportive wife. I didn’t think to myself “I’m being manipulated.” I just wanted a peaceful home. The ironic thing is that I then ended up being dishonest by saying I agreed when I didn’t or just staying quiet.
It was all to keep the peace. It was all to get back to a place where we were having fun and loving on each other. I hated when he was mad or upset or sulking. So, I constantly tried to solve for it. And he expected me to. It was a vicious cycle.
On the flip side, in other relationships, I wasn’t totally honest. No infidelity or anything but just not being honest about who I was deep down. So then when I felt like someone was onto me, I would get manipulative and act like they were the crazy one. So, we are all capable of being manipulative and we all are manipulative on some level. That’s human nature.
It’s easy for me to be open about my experience with it because I’ve healed and changed so much that I feel like I’m talking about some woman I don’t know – doesn’t’ even feel like I’m talking about me. Also, I know that being honest and authentic like this helps others.
But for people who are still in those behaviors, it is impossible to get them to admit it. And that is because they don’t see it as manipulation. If you identify with someone who is being manipulated, most likely your partner does not have ill intentions. Meaning, they did not wake up and say I am going to manipulate my wife today.
It’s important to understand that manipulators are just people who are trying to get their needs met and don’t have the tools to do it in a healthy way. Remember that bad behavior comes from pain. So, if you’re listening to this and you’re realizing that your partner is manipulative, don’t villanize them. It doesn’t mean they are bad; it means they are unwell.
Internally, they are feeling insecure or worried or depressed or angry or whatever it may be. They don’t know how to work through this in a healthy way. Usually this is a product of their childhood or a prior toxic relationship. Regardless, if they’ve never learned how to appropriately ask for what they need or get through difficult emotions, they will manipulate someone else into making them feel better. And it’s more common than you think. I coach a lot of women and I hear it about half the time.
So what do you do about it? Well, the answer is self care and boundaries. When I say self care, I’m not talking about going to get a massage or a manicure. I’m talking about getting some help and guidance. Therapists, coaches, certain 12 step programs – all are safe places to work through these things. Someone who can tell you the truth about what’s going on.
The first step is getting honest with yourself. If something is wrong, admit it. That doesn’t mean you need to leave your partner or threaten them. It just means that you are going to give yourself the gift of truth.
I like using the metaphor of a pitch-black room. When we are not truthful with ourselves about what’s going on in our relationships, we are essentially living in a pitch-black room. Because we can’t see, we keep hitting our head on the rafters, tripping over the table, and knocking over the lamp, never really understanding how to gain back control.
Getting honest is just turning on the light. Most people are afraid to turn on the light because they are afraid to see what’s there. But the truth is that you are powerless in that pitch black room. When the light is on, you then have the option of walking around the table and ducking under the rafters.
Setting boundaries correctly – and I’m going to give you a step-by-step process in episode 49 so hold on just two more weeks – is highly effective. When you do it right, boundaries are a powerful way of protecting yourself and showing your partner that you are serious about making some changes. This is a loving gift to both yourself and your partner.
And you cannot change them of course. But you do get to decide what kind of behavior you will tolerate. And based on that information, they can then decide if they want to get some help and change. That is what boundaries are all about.
Now, if you’re listening and you’re identifying with the manipulator – good for you! It takes guts to see that and admit that. Now, you’ve also turned on the light in that pitch black room and you can begin to make changes too. You can start asking for what you need instead of manipulating. You can go get help and work through your issues. This stuff is fixable.
Listen, I want to tell you something. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel good most of the time. Where you can express yourself authentically and feel emotionally safe to be yourself. If this is your goal, this CAN be achieved. Trust me. It takes time, work, and the willingness to get honest. But if you have those three attributes then you’re already ahead of the game.
If this episode resonates with you, my program would be great for you! It’s 6 months of private coaching. I’ll educate you on what’s healthy. I’ll take you through a process of deep healing. I’ll show you EXACTLY how to handle these tough situations where you feel confused and guilty. You DON’T have to do this alone. So scroll down to the show notes, click on the link to schedule a free consult, and let’s talk.
