Hey everyone, welcome back to the show. Today I want to talk about something that many women share with me in private sessions but then are surprised when I tell them this is common. This means of course that you ladies are not talking about this amongst yourself so I’m gonna do you a solid and expose it here.
And this is the topic of your partner wanting to have way more sex than you do. It’s a point of contention in a lot of marriages. I know it was in mine. But I never really voiced it, I just had the sex anyway which I don’t recommend. That was my main way of people pleasing my ex-husband and it really did a number on my relationship with myself.
I’m happy to say that I’ve been able to use that as a catalyst for an amazing journey I’ve been on which has led me to be a really authentic, honest person. So no, I’m not going to tell you to just have sex with your husband anytime he wants to because I know first hand that’s not the answer.
So what is the answer? Well, I have several strategies that I coach my clients to use and I’m going to review them here. But before I get started I just want to make a disclaimer. If there is a medical issue that is causing really low libido in one partner or if there is a history of sexual assault that is affecting a partner’s desire for sex, those are separate issues. I would suggest taking those to a medical professional or a trauma counselor.
This episode is going to cover what happens when a couple becomes disconnected and therefore sex becomes a chore. Here are some of the things I hear: “My husband will just grab my boob while I’m cooking and it’s so annoying.” “By the time I’m done with the kids and cleaning up the house, the last thing I want to do is have sex.” And the biggest one is “I’m just not feeling emotionally connected to him so I just don’t want to.”
Ok so we are going to take these three quotes that I’ve heard directly from women I work with and tackle them separately because the three strategies I’m giving you align with them. And yes GENERALLY it is the man chasing the woman for more sex. This is not always the case but it is overwhelmingly true so I’m going to stick with it for the purposes of this episode.
Ok so let’s take the first example of a husband who just tries to touch you at odd times and hopes it will land him some sex. This is a confused man. This is a man who doesn’t really know how to get you in the mood so he just resorts to tactics that aren’t’ appropriate for the situation.
He doesn’t realize how it affects you. He doesn’t realize how annoying that can be because he would be super happy if you randomly groped him while he was cooking. He can’t fathom that you wouldn’t like that as well. We gotta give this guy some grace ok, he legit doesn’t’ know better.
So I would say it’s your responsibility to tell him. Tell him what he could do in that moment that would give you a signal that would actually work for you. For example, if he came up behind you while you were cooking, told you how amazing the food smelled and then gave you a soft kiss on your neck – would that work for you?
If it would, tell him that. That doesn’t mean you have to turn off the stove and jump his bones on the kitchen island. But It’s a connective moment that allows the two of you to get on the same page and then maybe talk some foreplay until you can be alone.
The point is, give him some direction as to what would be an appropriate physical gesture. One of my favorite things is when a man cups my face and kisses me. Gets me every time. If you have something that really feels nice and inviting to you, tell your husband! He cannot read your mind. And it doesn’t’ matter how long you’ve been together, he at no point became psychic in the course of your relationship.
And if you are someone who thinks he should “just know,” I want to help you reframe this. Instead of thinking, he should just know, try on the thought, how great is it that all I need to do is tell him and I may get exactly what I want! I mean it’s way more effective then waiting for him to become psychic. And yes, ladies, you may need to tell him more than once. That doesn’t’ have to be a big deal unless you decide you want to create drama around that.
Ok so now let’s talk about the second scenario where you are most likely in the earlier years of raising kids and you are just exhausted. It’s not that you don’t want to have sex with your partner – you just don’t want to move a muscle. Period.
In this case, I suggest you ask your partner to engage in an activity with you that is relaxing and decompressing. For example, to run a bath for you and maybe join you in the second half of that bath. Or to give you a massage. Make it clear that sometimes you will want to have sex after these activities and sometimes you will want to go to sleep. But he’s got much more of a chance than if he just tries to jump into bed with you while you’re just coming out of exhausted mommy mode.
This is also where I would suggest educating him on your love language. If your love language is acts of service, him cleaning up the kitchen might really do it for you! If it’s physical touch then that massage might be the ticket. You get where I’m going here.
Ok and for that last one, and I think the one that requires the most coaching, where you’re just feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner and so you don’t’ feel like having sex with them.
This is where gender differences really play a part. As women, we are turned on by emotional connection. Men often emotionally connect through the act of having sex. And yes I am generalizing but it’s a pretty accurate generalization.
Men’s biggest sex organ is their penis. For women, our biggest sex organ is the brain. We want to feel that we are on the same page as our partner. That they understand us and appreciate us.
I think this is due to the actual physical set up of heterosexual sex. I mean when we have sex, we are literally allowing someone to enter our body. That’s no small thing. Men don’t have that kind of vulnerability during sex. It’s a much different experience going to someone else’s house than it is to host a visitor. When you’re hosting, you have to clean up and have someone in your space. When you’re the visitor, you can just stop by and then go back to your space without it ever being touched. You get what I’m saying?
So, what do we do about this? Well, we take ownership for the areas in which we are contributing to any disconnect and then we communicate. Yup, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but communication is the answer to unmatched sex drives. Communication is the answer to most marital issues.
So I want you to think… what would make you want to have more sex with your partner? Does something about the actual sex need to change? Do you need to feel more appreciated? Do you need more quality time with your partner outside of sex?
Whatever it is, it is YOUR job to identify it and to communicate it. But let me give you a little tip… telling your husband that you would want more sex if you felt more appreciated is not going to work. Why? Because appreciation is subjective. He may really appreciate you and just not show it in a way that you receive.
So be specific and tangible. Say things like “If you pointed out all of the things I did around here, that would make me feel appreciated which would then make me feel more open and turned on.”
Or “if you sent me loving text messages throughout the day, that would help me feel closer to you which would lead me to wanting sex more often.”
Think about exactly what it is your partner can do and then tell them. Most men are more than willing to do what you want them to do to have more sexual intimacy. They just get confused. We all think other people think the way we do. But men and women don’t think the same. That’s just fact. So help them out and just tell them what they need to know.
I want to end with this: if you’re feeling a deep resentment towards your partner… like the kind that keeps you from wanting to even tell them what you need, let’s talk. My 1:1 coaching program squashes exactly this issue. Give yourself the gift of professional guidance from someone who has the personal experience. Scroll down to the show notes and schedule a free call with me and let’s get your relationship back on the right track.
