Welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast! I’ve gotta say I’m just really enjoying working with my clients right now. Most of them are in the midst of a shift in their mindset. They are calmer, have less anxiety, and they’re just not getting upset all the time like they were. What I’m noticing is that getting upset less often comes from taking things personally less often.
So that’s what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about how to not take things personally and as a result, not wasting so much time and energy on being upset with your partner! Not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty damn good at not taking things personally. I’ve talked before about how I don’t even take my husband’s affair personally.
And it’s not that I’m special or different. It’s that I’ve learned and mastered a concept that allows me to not take things personally. That concept is this: Every single thing that someone else says or does is about them. Just like everything I say or do is about me.
So what do I mean by that? Well, we are emotionally driven beings. We act based on how we feel. So how your partner acts is based on the feelings they are experiencing. That’s not something you have any access to so it’s not in your control which means it’s not your responsibility or even your business really.
Now, you might be thinking.. but wait a minute, aren’t I supposed to make my partner feel good? Aren’t they supposed to make me feel good? Aren’t we supposed to make each other happy? And the answer to that, my friends, is Nope!
And the reason for that is that our feelings come from our thoughts. So if your partner is feeling angry, that’s because they are thinking a thought that makes them feel angry. And you can’t control their thoughts which means you can’t control their feelings. And since we act based on how we feel, that means you definitely can’t control their behavior.
Yet we try to, don’t we? We try to control how they think, feel, and act! I mean, no wonder we feel out of control. We are constantly trying to control the uncontrollable. And to add to that, we are then so emotionally exhausted from trying to control them, that we are left with zero energy to really work on our own mindset and emotions.
So why do we do this? Why do we try and control them? Because we take their behavior personally. We make it about us. And THAT is where all our suffering comes from.
So let’s do some examples cause I know this concept can be hard to grasp if you’re new to this kind of mindset.
Let’s say your husband doesn’t clean up after himself. Let’s say you’ve asked him a million times to hang up his wet towels or clean up after himself when he cooks or whatever. And when he doesn’t, you make that mean that he doesn’t respect you. You take it personally.
But the truth is that most likely, your husband didn’t clean up because he was feeling careless because he doesn’t think hanging up his towel is important. I know this because I’m a messy person. My messiness never comes with the thought, “I don’t respect my partner so I’m going to leave this mess here.” No, it comes with the thought, “I’ll get this later” or “this is not a bad mess.”
But you take the behavior like leaving a wet towel on the floor and you make it mean that they don’t care, that they don’t’ respect all the work you do around the house, etc.
I’m currently reading an amazing spiritual book called Living Untethered by Michael Singer. And he says in there, “nothing in life is personal until I decide I have a preference.” Whoo! When I read that sentence, I had to really put down the book, sit back and think about that one!
It’s so true! We as humans are the center of our own world. And so we relate everything we experience to US. But the world is not personal. We just have strong preferences and when those preferences are not honored, we make it personal.
In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world and we try to impose our world on their world.”
So let’s take it one step further. Forget tangible things like house work. Let’s say your partner insults you. Now, let me make something clear; I am not defending your partner or saying it’s ok, but what I would like to say is that that is still about them! They insulted you because they were feeling something – anger, hurt, confusion, whatever it is. And they feel that feeling because of what THEY are thinking.
Now here’s what happens. You make it about you – and yes of course it’s easy to do that. I’m not saying this stuff isn’t hard. But you make it about you and take it personally. So then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend yourself and create conflict.. or engage in it. But if you were to think, wow they must be experiencing some powerful emotions to act that way. All of a sudden, it’s not about you, right?
So, what’s the answer here? Well, I was able to not take my husband’s affair personally because I knew it was about HIM. He had an affair because he was feeling something – emptiness probably. And he was feeling that emptiness because of his mental state. I’m not saying it didn’t affect me, of course it did. But it wasn’t ABOUT me and it certainly had nothing to do with my self-worth.
So let me give you techniques for how to implement this concept. When you and your partner are arguing, I want you to ask yourself, “what might my partner be feeling right now that is causing them to act this way? What is their point of view? Where does this come from for them? What experience have they had that would shape the way they see this?”
This is super powerful because it takes you out of judgment and needing to be right (which is the cause of all conflict btw) and puts you right into curiosity which is the solution to conflict. In fact, one of my most popular episodes is an early one – episode 2 where I go in depth into that concept. It’s titled The Secret to Ending the Conflict with Your Partner. I’ll link it in the show notes for you.
Usually, if you really take a step back and try and put yourself in your partner’s shoes, you can see their point of view. Doesn’t mean you have to agree with it or like it, but I do suggest you honor that it’s real for them.
And if you legit try this technique, and you got nothing.. then it’s time to ask some questions. And I don’t mean in a haughty way like “what’s wrong with you?” I mean in a genuinely curious way like “hey what’s going through your mind when you’re acting that way?” or “What’s the experience you’ve had in your life that gives you that point of view?”
Another technique is the debate-team technique. So, if you’ve ever been on a debate team then you know that the teacher assigns you to be on one side of the debate and you have to argue that side and build evidence. And then, the teacher says switch and you need to be able to debate for the opposite side such as vehemently.
This is a powerful skill. When you and your partner are fighting, especially if it’s a fight that comes up often, I want to challenge you to get out of the “he needs to tell me I’m right” mindset and step into the debate team mindset. So in other words, if you HAD to defend your partner’s side of things to someone, what would you say?
This humanizes them and helps you see that what they’re saying comes from their standpoint. It’s not personal. It’s not about you. But you’re making it about you so you’re the one making it personal.
Now, what if your partner is legit crossing boundaries? I’m not talking about not meeting your expectations or honoring your preferences. I’m talking about a physical or emotional boundary violation.
Well, that’s where you set a boundary and then enforce it. There is a aright way to set boundaries so please learn about this before you do it. I’m going to do a solo episode on this and really teach you the right way to set a boundary but for now you can tune in to an interview I did with Nancy Pickard about boundaries. That’s episode 41 titled Setting Boundaries With Your Partner.
But most of the time, we’re not talking about boundaries. Most of the time, you’re just taking something they’re doing personally, and as a result you’re suffering.
Listen, this shit is not easy. It takes mindset work. Like real life-changing mindset-shifting work. It’s very hard to get there and stay there on your own. So, let me help you! My relationship coaching program will help you become a more peaceful person who doesn’t get upset or feel anxious as often in your relationship.
Like I said when I started this episode, my clients are killing it right now! Most recently, I had one tell me that she no longer creates stories in her head about what her partner is thinking. And another is releasing her role as the default parent and taking better care of herself! Both of these women are feeling lighter and happier. And they’re both enjoying their partner more and feeling more connection.
So if having a more relaxed, peaceful relationship is your goal, scroll down to the show notes and schedule a free call with me. You don’t have to feel resentful and conflicted every day. There is a better way.
