Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of Partnership Aligned Podcast! Today I want to talk to you about a concept in the world of coaching called Emotional Adulthood vs. Emotional Childhood. I’m gonna define and talk a little bit about it in general so that you have a good understanding of this concept and then I’m going to break down exactly why this pertains to intimate relationships and how it can help you improve yours drastically.
Ok so the biggest difference between emotional childhood and emotional adulthood is that when you are in emotional childhood, you blame others for how you feel. When you are in emotional adulthood, you take full ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
Now for many people, it is extremely difficult to differentiate between how someone else acts towards them and then how they feel as a result. That is because we have grown up in a society where it is reinforced that we make others feel a certain way and that others make us feel a certain way as well.
And I am here to tell you that that’s not true. Stay with me here ok – because this is the most freeing concept once you know how to put it into place. How you feel actually comes from what you’re thinking – NOT from what someone else says or does to you.
How do we know this is true? You may have heard me say this before… if we took two people and put them in the EXACT same situations, all variables constant… they would feel differently based on how they were thinking.
So for example, if you’re standing in line at the grocery store and someone cuts in front of you… you might think to yourself “whoa that’s not cool “while someone else might think “they must really need to get somewhere.” Now, why is this important? Because as I said a minute ago, your thoughts create your feelings.
So when the person cuts in line and you think “whoa that’s not cool” you will then feel slighted or defensive or something like that. But if you think “they really must need to get somewhere” you would feel something more like compassion or curiosity. Notice that the person outside of you – the one cutting in line – did not do anything differently. The only difference is the thought you have about it which then leads to how you feel.
Ok – you with me so far? This is important shit people. Now, I am not saying that it wouldn’t be easier or more natural to have the more defensive thought when someone cuts in front of you in line, I’m just saying it’s YOUR thought which led to YOUR feeling.
And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that thought either! You get to think and feel however you want! Sometimes I want to think and feel shitty for a minute, no big deal. What Im saying is, just own that it’s your thought and feeling that is creating your inner experience, NOT the outside circumstance.
Ok so why does this matter? Why do we even care about this concept? Well, here’s my favorite part. See, if we believe that how we feel is dependent upon how someone else is acting, then we are completely disempowered. But if we own that we are creating our inner experience, then we get to change it. How amazing is that? You are not at the mercy of someone else’s behavior, my friends.
Once I learned this, everything changed for me. Many of you know my story – I came into coaching in my personal life first when my marriage was in a really bad place. My husband wasn’t able to stay sober and I was a new mom. For a long time, I thought that things could only be ok if he could stay sober. But that meant that I was screwed! Because now I’m relying on him to get his shit together in order for me to feel secure.
My coach taught me this concept of emotional adulthood and showed me how to implement it. Within weeks, I was able to separate his external state from my internal state. It was absolute freedom. What it also did for me was show me that I could be ok no matter what. Married, not married.
Something I like to point out is that we often take our emotional state and hand it over to the one person who is least qualified to handle it. This is definitely what I did. I mean he couldn’t’ even handle his own emotional state, let alone mine. And even when we’re talking about healthier partners, no one wants to be in charge of your feelings. It’s a lot of pressure and they’re being set up for failure.
Ok so let’s transfer this concept into intimate relationships. Here’s how you know if you’re in emotional childhood. You blame your partner for all the issues in the relationship. You think they need to change in order for you to feel better. You have angry outbursts much like a child’s temper tantrum. You think you’re a victim. You feel out of control.
If you are in emotional adulthood, then you take responsibility for yourself. That doesn’t mean that you never get upset or act like an asshole, but it does happen far less often and most importantly.. when it happens, you own it. You say something like, “hey when I lashed out at you earlier, that was on me. I was feeling defensive and I’m sorry for how I treated you.” Emotional childhood is more like “well, if you didn’t make that comment then I wouldn’t have acted that way.” Do you see the difference?
Because if you’re always just reacting to your partner’s last comment or action as opposed to intentionally acting in alignment with who you want to be, then we will feel very out of control which of course leads to more destructive behavior.
You can see why this would be problematic in a relationship, right? If you and your partner are constantly reacting to each other, then everyone is in emotional childhood and nothing is being solved. It’s always someone else’s fault. There is no resolution.
But it only takes one! It only takes one person in the relationship to make a change and improve the entire dynamic.
Because if you think about it, a child is out of control right? I mean they have VERY little control over their lives. I mean if my son wants some candy and I say no, then he’s not having candy. He doesn’t have money or autonomy or the ability to go get it. He is actually not in control. But you are not a child.
So, if you’re listening to this and you’re like Oh shit, I am an emotional child. How the hell do I get out of that? Well, it’s a process that I teach in my program. In fact, by the time I’m done with you, you’re a pro at it!
But I want to give you the first step here. That first step is to start challenging your thoughts. So the next time your partner says or does something that pisses you off, observe what your thought about them is. Then ask yourself one of the following questions, “what’s another way I can look at this?” Or “What else might be true?” Then notice the difference in how you feel based on your initial thought vs. the second one you were able to come up with.
This is the beginning of a beautiful process of becoming empowered, confident, and kinder. So if this is really resonating with you and you’re serious about working through this, then scroll down to the show notes and schedule a free call with me. I take women from feeling defeated, resentful, and frustrated to feeling empowered, relaxed, and back in love.
