Hey guys, welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast. Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and this holiday can mean different things to different people.
Many couples actually fight on Valentine’s day. This is because there are big expectations – and usually different expectations – on both sides. And very rarely are those expectations discussed.
So what happens? You guessed it, lots of disappointment and resentment… which can easily lead to a fight. Especially if y’all are drinking a bottle of wine to enjoy the holiday!
I’ve got TONS of content on expectations. In fact, I probably mention it on almost every episode. It is one of the most important topics when trying to create a healthy, peaceful relationship. You can check out Ep 6 titled Are Your Expectations Causing You Pain? I’ll link that in the show notes for you.
Ok so some couples fight. And other couples just put this mask on. They follow the society norms for the holiday even though they’re not feeling it. She puts on high heels, he makes an expensive reservation. She does things in the bedroom she doesn’t do the rest of the year and he buys her flowers and maybe some jewelry.
Now I want to be clear, I love that we have a national holiday that is all about celebrating love. I think that concept is amazing! But because so many people have such a hard time being totally honest about expectations and desires, it usually ends up being a letdown or just kinda neutral.
The one thing that everyone strives for on Valentine’s Day is romance. And that’s what I want to talk to you about today. But let’s talk about romance in a way that actually serves your relationship, not puts pressure on it to be someone you’re not.
So what is romance? Well, I looked up some definitions.. there are several. There are two that I like. The first one I like is: romance is expressing love in a way that is intentional, unmistakable, and deeply affectionate.
I think the most important word there is intentional. Because intentional incorporates thoughtfulness. It means you actually thought about the gesture you’re making and whether it would truly make your partner happy or not.
So what would truly make your partner happy? Put some thought and intention into it? If you know their love language, use that. Personally, my love language is words of affirmation. So there is nothing more romantic to me than a love letter. A well thought-out love letter.
But I have definitely had partners who getting a love letter would be nice but it’s not what would truly make them happy. Because they received love in other ways. If you’re listening to this podcast, you’re most likely in a long term relationship or marriage and you probably have kids.
So at this point, you probably know what would actually make your partner feel loved, you just might be too tired or stressed to do it. So that’s where intentionality comes in. If we are going to take this day that somebody decided would be February 14th to show love and make romantic gestures, let’s do it in a way that honors who our partner really is on the inside.
Which brings me to my most favorite definition that I found. Romance is showing your spouse that you see them and desire to know them more deeply. Yup that’s my favorite. Because everyone wants to be seen.
Something I talk a lot about is curiosity. In order to express romance in a sense that you want to know your partner more deeply, you have to be curious. You have to drop your walls and your judgments and really just inquire.
In the last episode, I had Melanie Shenberger on and one of the things she said that struck a chord with me is that you can be in close proximity to someone most of the time, and still not know a damn thing about what’s going on in their head. If you missed that episode, it was fire! People were sending me messages all week about the wisdom in that episode. So go check out episode 35 titled Overcoming Hard Times in Marriage.
So, what is it that would really make your partner feel seen and loved? It might be something that would seem really unromantic to you. Maybe tickets to a game or flying in a family member that they really miss. The point is that you are seeing THEM and what THEY would feel cared for by.
Now I want to switch gears for a minute, because I know many of you are screaming at me right now saying, but what about the fact that my partner doesn’t do anything romantic for me!
And to that, I have two things to say. One is that you may need to just tell them what you need. I know that in itself seems unromantic but… well… you made that up. I hear it all the time so I know it’s a common misconception. But expecting your partner to just know is setting yourself up for disappointment.
It is totally ok to say, “hey honey you know what I would REALLY love this year on Valentines Day? I would love to just get a sitter and go to a spa. Or whatever it is you would want.” You have a MUCH bigger chance of getting what you want by telling your partner than by not. This idea that they must know is unnecessary.
The second thing is that if you and your partner are in constant power struggles and comparison of who does what…. Then I highly suggest you break that cycle and make a romantic gesture that will really have your partner feeling appreciated and seen.
Because why not you? If you’re listening to this podcast then clearly you are a seeker and you desire to improve your relationship. So be the hero in your own story and make that first move. Put your ego aside and remember that this is your life partner. Your partner in life. Comparisons and competitions are optional. But they’re difficult to work through on your own.
If you struggle with even wanting to be romantic because you’re so stuck in resentment or comparison, you need to join my one-on-one coaching program. Partnership Aligned is a private program for the woman who is sick of feeling resentful and wants to learn how to have more control over her thoughts, feelings, and actions. If this is you, if you just want to relax and enjoy your relationship again, then go schedule a free consult with me right now. The link is in the show notes.
Ok so to sum up, if the traditions of Valentines Day work for you, that’s great! I personally love some flowers and a nice meal. Not knocking it at all! But I just want you to start reframing what romance really is. It’s not following some curriculum that the rest of the country adheres to. It’s really tuning into your partner and being willing to get curious and communicate what it is you want to!
