Welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast! Recently people have been reaching out to me about vulnerability. It’s such an interesting topic because it terrifies people so much yet it is the answer to intimacy.
Intimacy in a relationship is a feeling of being close, and emotionally connected and supported. It means being able to share a whole range of thoughts, feelings and experiences that we have as human beings.
Essentially, that’s vulnerability right? But vulnerability means different things to different people so I looked up some definitions and I think they will hit home.
The first definition of vulnerability, pertaining to intimate relationships, is feeling comfortable enough to turn towards your partner in your lowest moments rather than trying to isolate yourself and turn away from their support. I like that one, I feel like the benefit is clear – support vs. isolation.
The other definition I found for vulnerability is remaining open to sharing all parts of yourself with your partner and not being afraid of being judged and criticized.
Oof that’s a tough one. That’s the one that has people running for the hills or more accurately, just hiding behind a façade. Let’s talk about the science behind why it’s so hard to be vulnerable.
Back in the day, people lived in tribes. And in order to stay alive, we had to stick with our tribe. So being judged and criticized was dangerous because it could ultimately lead us to be kicked out of the tribe. And being kicked out of the tribe meant probable death. So being judged and criticized was literally a life-or-death situation.
Our society has evolved. But our brains haven’t. So now, when we feel like we might be judged or criticized, our body has a fight or flight response because it feels like a very dangerous situation. Our primal brain does not know that we are no longer at risk for death when being vulnerable.
So, what do we do about this? Well the first step is just having awareness over this. If we don’t know why we’re so freaked out to be ourselves, we obviously won’t be able to do anything about it. So recognizing in the moment that the reason your body is in fight/flight mode and you just want to run or hide, is because of the neurological response you’re having. It’s ok. It’s supposed to be there. It’s there to protect you.
Your pre-frontal cortex, or what I like to call your higher self, can take over if you get intentional about it. So I know this sounds corny, but it’s really helpful to talk to your own primal brain from your higher self. It sounds something like, “hey brain, thanks so much for trying to protect me. But telling my husband how I’m feeling actually isn’t dangerous. It’s something I want to do. So I’m going to take over here.”
I call the primal brain the toddler brain and the pre-frontal cortex the parent brain. Sometimes you just have to parent yourself because you know what’s best for you and you want long-term benefits such as a deep connection with your partner.
So that’s the first big hurdle with vulnerability – overriding your primal brain. But it gets easier with practice. I’m able to do it almost every time now. I take a deep breath and I say to myself, “what you want is on the other side of this fear. You can do this, I’ve got your back.”
The other thing that comes up with vulnerability is this myth that it’s weak. I used to struggle with this. I don’t think I would have use the word weak but I think I probably would have said that vulnerability means you don’t have it all together. And I always wanted you to think I had it all together.
Now that I’ve done so much work on myself, I choose vulnerability. Brene’ Brown says that “vulnerability is not weakness it’s our greatest measure of courage.” And that is so true. It takes courage to rise above the fear. Because remember that courage does not mean that you’re not afraid… courage means that you’re afraid and you do it anyway. I like to say, just bring the fear with you.
So, what are the benefits here? Because being vulnerable is very scary. It brings up all kinds of things, especially if you’ve had experiences in past relationships where you were vulnerable and then got hurt. So, the benefits better outweigh the risks, right?
They do. Vulnerability creates closeness, trust, and a deep bond. Your partner will have the honor of seeing deeper parts of you that you don’t show to just anyone. If this is the person you’ve chosen to share your life with, then do it authentically.
I spent a long time in my marriage not being authentic. I was like half authentic. I showed my silly, goofy side that many people don’t know about. I shared some of my thoughts and feelings. But the stuff that I knew my husband might not like, the stuff that might threaten his security, I kept those to myself. I chose to have conflict with myself because I was so afraid of having conflict with him.
When I became aligned with me and became vulnerable – willing to take the risk of him seeing me differently – I felt so good inside. And what was so powerful was that even if the conversation “didn’t go well” I still felt good afterwards because I didn’t run or hide.
So I have redefined what a “conversation going well” means to me. I used to think it meant that the other person received it well. But then I realized that put way too much power in someone else’s hands. Now, I define a conversation going well as I was honest, direct, kind, and clear. The other person’s experience is theirs to own.
The second major benefit is that it actually reduces conflict! Isn’t that crazy? My biggest fear was that if I was vulnerable, we would have conflict but I was way off.
Laura Sgro, a psychotherapist out in Cali says that “vulnerability paves the way for partners to take accountability and honest communication, rather than destructive behaviors such as deflecting, avoiding, or blaming the other person during a conflict.” This helps lessen the chances of an argument escalating.
And the third major benefit I see to being vulnerable, and this is my favorite one, is that it gets us comfortable with being uncomfortable. I am all about self-growth. I think that certain areas of life are here to help us grow. Career, parenting, and definitely marriage.
When you can view your marriage as an opportunity for self-growth, your whole mindset shifts.
Ok, so hopefully I’ve convinced you that vulnerability is worth working on. But how the hell do you do it? It’s clearly not easy or comfortable… and if you’ve never worked on it before, where do you start?
Well, you start small. You don’t need to go to your partner tonight and tell him your deepest, darkest fears. Maybe just share a story from your past that still affects you. Or a thought you’ve been pondering. Start with something small and see if your partner engages in the bonding.
Because I do recognize that some people are NOT safe to be vulnerable with. That’s a whole different podcast episode that I promise I will hit in the future. But for now, I’ll just quote Brene’ Brown again. She says, “vulnerability is not oversharing, it’s sharing with people who have earned the right to hear our stories and experiences.
My second tip is to watch out for that voice that comes in once you are being vulnerable. The one who interrupts you and says, “no take that back! Alter it. Re-word it.” Sometimes we get the courage to be vulnerable and then we want to chicken out and we get super wishy washy while trying to get out of it.
Hold your head high, tell yourself your reasons for being vulnerable, and take the risk. It’s hard either way, my friends. It’s hard to be vulnerable, and it’s hard to not be vulnerable and feel alone and disconnected. So if it’s going to be hard either way, choose your hard.
If this is something you struggle with, my one-on-one coaching program is perfect for you! Between my education and background in psychology and my personal experience of overcoming vulnerability fear, I am awesome at helping other women overcome it as well.
Because my final tip really is to get yourself a mentor. Why do it yourself? You can’t see the label from the inside of the bottle. You need someone who cares about you but isn’t emotionally involved to guide you.
My program takes care of the how. You don’t need to figure out how to work on vulnerability. I’ve done that for you and I’ll teach you. Then I’ll help you implement it in your marriage with your partner. Because no two dynamics are the same. Each relationship needs its own solution.
So scroll down to the show notes, click on the link to schedule a free consultation and let’s talk about how I can help. Ok guys, that’s all I have for you this week, go take one step towards vulnerability and then let me know how it goes!
