Welcome back everybody to Partnership Aligned Podcast! Before we get into today’s topic, I wanted to invite you guys to a FREE masterclass I’m teaching on “5 Ways to Deepen the Connection with Your Partner.” It’s happening on zoom this Friday, December 16th at 12:30pm Eastern.
In this class, I’m going to be educating you on the most common obstacles to deep connection and then I’m going to give you the 5 ways to overcome those obstacles. It’s going to be intimate; I’m going to teach and then I’m going to answer questions and depending on how much time we have, I’m hoping to coach live as well.
So you don’t want to miss it! And if you’re interested but you just can’t make it on that day and time, go ahead and register anyway because you will automatically be on my list of people who receive the recording afterwards. So scroll down to the show notes and click on the link to register. This is a free event and it’s happening this Friday December 16th at 12:30pm Eastern.
Ok on to today’s topic. I think I may have mentioned on an earlier podcast that before I launched my coaching program, I did many, many market research calls with women who wanted to feel closer to their partner. And while I got a lot of different kinds of data, the one thing that was constant among all participants was a desire to learn how to communicate more effectively with their partner.
So today I’m going to give you my top 5 communication tips. So, let’s get into it. Number one is before you talk to your partner, go inward. Know what it is that you want and need to communicate. If you’re not clear about what you want to communicate, then obviously you won’t communicate clearly.
Now, if you’re feeling unsettled or disturbed and you want to share that with your partner with the intention of being vulnerable or creating intimacy, I’m all for that! Just be very clear with your partner that you don’t have your thoughts worked out and that you just want to share how you feel, and it may come out messy. I’ve seen that really lead to some intimacy because the couple works through it in real time together.
But if you’re setting a boundary or telling your partner why you’re upset with them, get clear first. Brene’ Brown says that Clear is Kind and I couldn’t agree more. But it’s hard to be clear with your partner when you haven’t taken the time to get clear with yourself. Ways to get clear with yourself include journaling about it, talking to a coach or a friend about it, doing thought work… things like that.
Once you’re clear on your thoughts and feelings, this is where tip #2 comes in; take ownership for your own experience. So what do I mean by that? This is a concept that I go into in depth in my 1:1 coaching but the gist is that your feelings come from the way you are thinking about the situation.
So if your husband says “why aren’t the kids ready” and you make that mean that he thinks you’re not doing a good job with the kids, that interpretation is YOUR experience. And it’s totally fine that you’re having that experience. You get to think whatever you want. But own it.
So how does this translate into communication? Instead of saying something like “I hate it when you criticize how I’m handling the kids.” Say “when you asked why the kids weren’t ready, I made that mean that you think I’m not doing a good job.” Or “what I heard was that you don’t’ think I’m doing a good job.”
Do you see what a shift that is? It’s so powerful. Now instead of accusing and attacking, you’re owning your own thoughts and sharing them in a way where your husband can hear it because he has no reason to get defensive.
Now some of you are thinking, but my husband literally tells me I’m not doing a good enough job. So if that’s the case, I invite you to ask yourself, but how do I think I’m doing? Because you still get the choice as to whether you agree or not. If you don’t agree, then you can hand him that opinion right back. It’s not yours, it’s his. And if you do agree, then where can you ask for help? Regardless of the situation, taking his words and basing your emotional state on them gets you nowhere fast.
Ok my third communication tip is to discuss the pattern, not the circumstance. If you and your partner are going to sit down and have a conversation about an issue in the marriage, don’t make it about the last thing that happened, make it about the underlying pattern that’s hurting you.
So for example, if your spouse has a habit of having one eye on his phone while the two of you are spending time together, instead of saying “I can’t believe you couldn’t even put your phone down last night to give me a few minutes of undivided attention.” That’s the last thing that happened. Not helpful because the two of you will get lost in the details. He might say “I had to it was work” or “I heard everything you said, what’s your problem.”
But when you discuss the pattern, it sounds something like, “hey I’ve noticed that you’re on your phone a lot when we’re talking, and I can’t help but make that mean that you don’t value our alone time. I understand that happening once in a while but it’s a pattern and it’s creating a disconnect for me. Can we talk about it?”
Another very powerful shift. Can you see how talking about the underlying pattern keeps you on the topic that really matters as opposed to the most recent incident where the details become the conversation and you never really get to the deep stuff.
Communication tip #4 is don’t use the word always. I’d like to give you some deep reason like in the last 3 tips, but this one is just based purely on how many times I’ve heard conversations turn sideways because someone used the word always.
So don’t say “you always do this” or “you always say that.” For whatever reason, I think it puts up a defense on the other side. It makes people feel like they are being categorized. So instead say something like, “I’ve noticed that when we are out with the kids, I’m usually the one breaking up their fights. Have you noticed that?”
By now you guys are seeing that everything is about how you phrase it right? Anything can be said with enough humility. There is literally nothing that can’t be said in a way that invites the other person to listen. It’s a skill for sure, but like all skills it can be learned. And I can teach you.
Conversation prompts are one of my superpowers and they live within my 1:1 coaching program. So if you know you need some help in this area, set up a free consult with me so we can talk about it.
Ok my 5th and final tip for y’all is Be willing to be wrong! Communication is not just about expressing how you feel, it is about being open to the fact that you are both human. Your partner has flaws and so do you. It is ok. Byron Katie says that defense is the first act of war.
So, if your spouse tells you that you’ve had a bad attitude lately or that you’re criticizing a lot, instead of getting defensive (therefore engaging in the war), ask yourself “how might he be right?”
Choosing to take a look at yourself instead of getting mad about it is sometimes the X factor in successful communication and deeper intimacy. It all comes back to that age old question, “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”
Ok guys, that’s all I have for you today. Don’t forget to register for the free masterclass from the link in the show notes and I will see you there!
