Welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast, episode 22! Today I want to talk about the stages of relationship termination. Not to scare you, just to educate you. If you find that you’re in one of these stages, that’s great! Because now you know the direction you’re heading in and you can choose to turn the car around!
It’s when we don’t have awareness of what we’re doing that we are in the most trouble. Then one day we look back and say what happened?
Now, I didn’t make up these stages. They were developed by Mark Knapp who is a leading professor and scholar of relationships, communication, and connection. He specializes in non-verbal communication. This guy knows his shit. And I align with his material heavily. So I wanted to go over it here on the podcast and give you some of my thoughts for how to use it to your advantage.
Knapp identifies 10 stages of a relationship. The first five highlight how a relationship escalates. Or in other words from meeting each other all the way through to bonding. I’m going to skip that part, you can look it up if you want. My listeners are past that part and are in pain due to being in one of the last five stages which is what I will go into here.
Once a couple has gone through the first five stages and are now bonded, inevitably challenges will come up. All couples have challenges, even the happiest and healthiest ones. It is at this point that a couple may enter the stage of differentiation.
This is when one or both partners start reclaiming their individuality. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, in fact couples are still healthy at this stage. But when too much differentiation happens, they begin thinking about themselves without thinking about the partner or the relationship. They will make decisions that affect their spouse without talking to them about it. They check in with each other less often and begin to reduce the feeling of being a totally bonded couple.
Then comes the circumscribing stage. This is where differentiation becomes more intense. In other words, communication lessens even more. A really important part of this stage is that the couple begins avoiding the topics that bring up fear and conflict. In other words, the difficult conversations stop.
Then comes stagnation. This is the point where the couple just gets used to not being bonded, the communication is even less, and they essentially are together for the kids or the finances. Intimate conversations are long gone and the roommate experience begins to rear its ugly head.
After that comes the avoidance stage. This is where partners intentionally avoid each other by possibly living in separate bedrooms, leading separate lives, and not having any physical touch at all. They actually restrict themselves from conversing.
And lastly, there is termination where the couple breaks the partnership and splits up.
So, what can we learn from this well researched relationship model? That there is nothing more important than talking things out. If we go back and look at the differentiation stage which is way before any termination is on the table, the first mistake the coupe makes is to stop thinking as if they are in a partnership and to claim individuality in a way that doesn’t serve their relationship. A.K.A. they stop communicating in a way that breeds connection.
I want to talk about this for a minute because I am huge supporter of individuality within relationships. But as my mother always says, everything in moderation. I believe in having alone time, I believe in having girls nights and time alone with other family members. I believe in building in a part of your life that is just for you.
But there is a difference between taking time and activities for yourself and having a mindset that is just for yourself. When you are out with your friends, are you conducting yourself in a way that serves your partnership? When you make decisions, do you take your partner into account? Do you discuss your thoughts and feelings?
Each stage mentioned after that is really just a more intense stage of the one before! It all stems from lack of communication. Couples stop communicating for all kinds of reasons but every single one of those reasons can be simplified into fear.
The biggest ones are fear of conflict, fear of rejection, and fear of being alone. I know for me it was fear of being disapproved of or fear of being judged. One thing I always like to say to people who are choosing not to communicate out of fear is that, you should be more afraid of not talking.
Difficult conversations can definitely be anxiety provoking, especially when you’re not used to having them. So if you need some help in this area, listen to episode 13, Rules For Having A Difficult Conversation With Your Partner. I’ll link that in the show notes for you.
The hit you take in your gut when you feel that conflict or when you’re feeling like you’re being judged is worth feeling for the sake of being true to yourself and being true to your relationship. All difficult feelings pass, especially if you allow yourself to feel them. They are temporary. But the damage done when you avoid conversations is not temporary if you don’t do something about it.
So this is my invitation to you, regardless of which of these stages you’re in, What are you avoiding talking about? What’s the fear behind that avoidance? Is that fear worth losing connection and moving through these stages? How can you show up with courage in your relationship? How can you just do the hard thing.
All couples have difficult times and challenges. The healthy ones identify the problems and talk about them, coming up with solutions. The unhealthy couples ignore them and sweep them under the rug.
But there is hope, my friend. If the problem is avoiding communication, then the solution is to stop avoiding it!
