Hey guys, welcome back to the show! I am really excited for today’s topic because this one is for all you moms out there. I never thought I wanted to be a parent until I was and now I couldn’t imagine anything else! It really is the most life changing event in your life. More than marriage, more than moving, becoming a mom changes EVERYTHING!!
I feel especially passionate about working with moms because of the ripple effect. As the mom gets healthier, the kids do too. So it’s really meaningful work for me. I’ve never really enjoyed working with kids so it’s my way of helping them.
Ok so let’s talk about how your marriage affects your kids. Everyone knows that kids are affected by their parents. I don’t need to tell you that. But have you ever really thought about how that works? I think about it all the time. But I want to focus on how your relationship with your partner shapes your kids into the future adults they will be.
- You communication pattern. Some of this comes down to the actual words you and yoru partner use with each other. Do you curse? Do you say I love you regularly? Do you call each other names? Do you compliment each other? Do you share your wins from the day at the dinner table?
These things all matter. But what matters even more is how you react to each other. You see, your kids are going to go into the world and all these things are going to be happening around them. There will be times when their feelings are hurt, times when they feel disappointed or angry, and times where they feel insecure. How you and your partner react to each other and the world when you are feeling these emotions will signal to your kids how to as well.
And of course, if you have multiple kids you will notice that different kids will respond to things differently because both nature and nurture do matter. But you have no control over nature, only nurture. So let’s just focus on what we can control.
So for example, if your spouse says something that hurts your feelings, how do you react? Do you shut down and give him the silent treatment? Do you lash out and give it right back to them? Do you get curious and ask them what’s going on with them? Your kids are watching, and they will do what you do at home out in the world. Why wouldn’t they? You are the role model.
2. How you talk about each other. This pertains to when your partner is in the room and when they’re not. My parents always talked badly about each other – directly to me. It was inappropriate and it definitely affected me. But now as an adult, I can see that it was a product of the pain they were in. Doesn’t make it ok but it does make me think… if they had just taken care of their own emotional life through a therapist or coach or something, they could have regulated themselves because they wouldn’t be full of so much resentment and confusion.
If you’ve ever worked with me, you know one of the things I say often is that bad behavior comes from pain. So if you’re listening and you’re realizing that you don’t talk nicely about your partner to the kids.. or to anyone else.. this does not make you a bad person or a bad mom. It means you’re in pain and you don’t’ have a healthy outlet or a way to process it. This is why reaching out for help is so important!
So clearly, speaking about your partner lovingly to your kids is important. But it’s also important that in general when you are speaking to other family members or even to strangers, that you keep tabs on your language. Language matters. If you are always using negative language, you will create negative results.
And again, you are the role model. Kids look to their parents to see how to act in the world. And sadly, they don’t’ do what we say they should do. They do what we do.
The language you use about your partner also signals to the kids what respect and loyalty looks like in a relationship.
3. The romantic relationships they enter into as an adult. Have you ever wondered why so many women end up dating someone like their father? Or why they act exactly like their mother (who they swore they would never act like) in their relationships?
This is because familiarity trumps positivity. The brain’s job is efficiency. And doing the same thing over and over… or what we know best is the most efficient. Because change takes a lot of energy. So your child’s brain won’t care whether what you model is healthy or not, it will automatically recreate it because that conserves energy.
Listen, we come into this world a blank slate. We know nothing. Absolutely nothing. We are at the mercy of the people who raise us. We don’t’ know if they are good parents or not. We don’t’ know if they have a healthy marriage or not. And by the time we figure those things out, the neural pathways have been formed.
When I was a therapist, I used to joke that I spent all day helping adults undo their childhood. It was really only a half joke. That actually was a big part of the job! I was always so fascinated by how affected my clients were by their upbringing.
The way they viewed the world, reacted to others, and thought about themselves all came from their childhood. It really makes you think about the power we have as parents.
But the days are hard sometimes. I have a toddler who has been really tough lately and I’ve lost my cool more than once. Totally normal, I don’t’ beat myself up about that. But I do work on my mind a lot. I manage my thoughts and feelings because I know how to. And I want to help you learn how to as well.
