Hey everyone, welcome back to the show! Today I want to talk to you about connection. This is everyone’s biggest relationship goal. I hear it more than anything else. Women are always telling me that they just want to feel more connected to their partner. So today I want to give you the two main components of connection.
- The first one is your thoughts about your partner. Did you know that a relationship is just a thought? What you think of your partner and what you think they think of you… that’s your whole relationship. That’s it. So if your thoughts about your partner are loving and positive, you will feel like you have a good relationship. And of course, if you have resentful, negative thoughts then you will feel as if your relationship is struggling. To learn more about this, listen to episode 8 titled Are You and Your Partner in Different Relationships?
So, what does this have to do with connection? Well, connection is a feeling. And all of your feelings come from your thoughts. That’s right, your thoughts create your feelings. I want to say that one more time because it is the basis of the work I do. Your thoughts create your feelings.
So, if you tuned into this episode to find out what your partner needs to be doing differently in order for you to feel more connected… sorry! Wrong podcast! On this podcast, I always encourage you to take ownership of your own thoughts and feelings. Because that will give you power and freedom over your own emotional life. So, if you’re feeling stuck in negativity, this is an even more important concept for you.
If you’re thinking that your thoughts are out of your control, let me explain something to you. Even though it’s true that you can’t always just change your thoughts like switching on a light, you can ask yourself one important question, “how else COULD I think about this.”
So, let’s take an example. I recently coached a woman who was upset because her husband “scolded” her over leaving the baby gate open. She was annoyed because she had her eye on the baby and was very aware that the gate was open. She didn’t like his tone and felt as if he didn’t trust her judgment. She is a very careful mother and the idea that anyone would think otherwise offended her.
When she brought this to session, I lovingly asked her, “what’s another way you could look at this?” Because the current way she was looking at it was causing her pain and resentment which of course is the opposite of connection.
This woman has a relationship goal of more connection, so she was open to the exercise. She answered by saying, “I could look at it and think, wow our daughter is so lucky that both her parents take her safety so seriously.” She also came up with “his tone was out of fear for the safety of our child, it wasn’t about me.” And she even came up with a third one! “My husband is a safe, protective father.”
Immediately, she softened and felt closer to her husband. Which is so powerful because he wasn’t even there when we had this conversation! She felt more connected to her husband just by changing her thoughts, not by changing him!
This is why I work with a spouse one-on-one as opposed to doing couples coaching. Did you know that it only takes one partner to improve the relationship? Your husband doesn’t need to be a part of the process for you to feel better. But if he wants to be a part of the process, that’s great too!
Now I could just end the episode here because to be perfectly honest with you, your thoughts alone can create more connection for you in your relationship. But if I’m going to do an episode on connection, then I want to talk about communication too.
2. The second element of feeling more connected to your partner is open communication. And here’s why. Intimacy comes from communication. If you and your partner aren’t communicating, then you have no intimacy. Point blank.
Intimacy is when you express your feelings and share your vulnerabilities, which leads to feeling closer. So obviously this cannot happen without communication.
The way the human brain works is when you don’t have an answer to a question, your brain fills in the blanks. The brain hates uncertainty, so it just makes shit up. We’ve all had that experience where we think we know what our partner is thinking or why they did something and then after talking it out we realize that we had no idea. In fact, their thought process wasn’t even on the radar!
So, this is why communication breeds connection. Instead of filling in the blanks, you go to the source and get the actual intel. And if you work with me, I teach you how to get genuinely curious as opposed to coming into the conversation with a know-it-all energy. That will shut down a conversation quick.
In order to feel more connected to your partner, you need to have open, difficult conversations. Many of you have said to me, “I am afraid to have that conversation.” And to that I say, you should be afraid of NOT having that conversation.
Relationships end because conversations are not being had. So, let’s just have the conversation. There is more damage done in the avoidance. Trust me.
I recently coached someone who said that he and his wife were doing well because they hadn’t had a fight in a year. I raised an eyebrow because not fighting for a year means that real conversations are not happening. You see, not fighting is not the goal. Couples fight. It’s totally normal. Having the hard conversations… that’s the goal!
Having a more connected, intimate marriage means showing your partner who you really are, flaws and all. It means letting out all the crazy! It means trusting that it’s better to be vulnerable then to be distant or secretive. It means being willing to put yourself out there in the name of real intimacy.
If any of the things that I mentioned today make you panic, don’t fret. All of this stuff can be worked through. No one gets taught this stuff in school and few of us have it modeled for us. So reach out to me if you need some help! You can email me at Elana@nullpartnershipaligned.com or DM me on Instagram @partnershipaligned.
Feeling lots of fear about being vulnerable? That can be worked through. Feeling angry and resentful towards your husband? That can be worked through too! Stuck in a rut? Yup, totally fixable. Nothing is a lost cause until you decide it is.
The last thing I want to leave you with here is that it is very hard to connect with others in a real way if you are not connected with yourself. This is another reason that I like working with a spouse one-on-one.
The process of getting to know what your needs and non-negotiables are, the patterns you picked up as a kid that are now affecting your marriage, why you shut down when you do… all that kind of stuff. This is the process that gets you ready to engage in the relationship you always dreamed you would have.
So, are you ready? Are you ready to do the work? It’s uncomfortable for sure but no one ever grew while sitting in their comfort zone. Discomfort is the path to freedom, growth, wisdom, and yes even connection with your partner.
