Welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast! I’m really excited about today’s topic because it’s the thing that got me to start working in mental health to begin with. This concept that our adult relationships are a result of the relationships we had and witnessed growing up.
Since I work primarily with moms, a topic that comes up often is what our children learn about relationships from us. One of the biggest concerns I hear is “I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like.”
In addition, having worked in mental health for quite a few years, one of the things that was most fascinating to me was the complexities within romantic relationships stemming from the relationship that person had with their parent.
I mean think about it, you could put two women in the exact same marriage with the same man, same kids, same house… all variables constant. But they would each be having a different experience based on their beliefs, expectations and hang ups… which all come from their childhood. Their thoughts about their husband would be associated with their thoughts about their father or mother or both! You get my point.
So as a mother, it is not lost on me how big of a responsibility I have to teach my son what a healthy relationship looks like. And I am fully aware, by the way, that I will screw up my kid in some way. There’s nothing I can do about that. He will need to go through some hard things in order to become a wise, compassionate person. But if I am conscious about my behavior with him and what I’m teaching him, then I can let go of how he will internalize it all because I’ve done my part and I can’t control his thoughts.
Being an expert in relationships, I sat down to pick the three most important things I’m teaching him and I wanted to share them here with you today. Now keep in mind, my son is almost but not quite four years old. So we’re talking about a toddler here. But I don’t care. It’s never too early. And by the way, when I say I’m teaching him these things, I don’t mean I am telling him. I mean I am acting them out in my dynamics with him.
Ok so let’s get into it. The first thing I’m teaching my son about healthy relationships is that it’s ok to make mistakes and that we own those mistakes and communicate afterwards. I model this in a couple different ways. First of all, we literally have a children’s book called It’s ok To Make Mistakes where we talk about all different kinds of mistakes and the good things that can result from them.
But more importantly, when I make a mistake, I tell him that and I own it. I can give you all kinds of day-to-day examples such as when a curse word slips out or when I have to break my word or whatever it is. I tell him that I made a mistake and I love myself anyway. I ask him how it made him feel, I acknowledge and I move on.
But I’ll tell you guys a little story that is not the norm for me but that really drives this point home. A few days ago, we had one of those days where every single thing I asked him to do was met with a big No. It started when I took him to karate and he decided he was going to walk out of the class halfway through. I kept my cool though. We went home and proceeded to have three full hours of him not listening to a single word I said.
He was rude, disrespectful, and was kind of vandalizing the house a little bit. I had a private client at 8pm and I needed him to get to bed on time in order for me not to be late. But his behavior was really driving a wedge into our otherwise smooth nighttime routine and I was starting to get really impatient. I definitely snapped a couple of times.
Then I was filling the bathtub for him when he walks in, whips out his penis and says “Im going to pee in the bathtub.” I said, “oh no you’re not, you pee in the potty.” And this child looked me in the eye and peed in the bathtub. And I lost my shit. I slammed the toilet cover down and screamed at him in a way I’ve never screamed at him. He legit looked scared and started to cry. And then of course I started to cry. It was quite a scene in that little bathroom.
But anyway, I had to take full ownership of my behavior. I made a mistake. And it doesn’t matter that he was acting like a little turd that day. I am the adult and screaming at him like that is not aligned with the mother I want to be. So I owned it. I apologized, I asked him how it made him feel and we talked about it. I didn’t say “I yelled like that cause you weren’t listening.” I said “I yelled like that because I made a mistake. I am sorry and I will try to not do that again.”
So let’s translate this into an adult relationship. When someone feels comfortable admitting they were wrong, apologizing, and communicating about it… it makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE. But if this behavior was never modeled for them growing up, then it just won’t come naturally. So I’m trying to set him up for success. And to my future daughter in law, you’re welcome.
The second thing I am teaching my son about healthy relationships is that no feelings are bad feelings. There are of course uncomfortable feelings but I want him to make friends with all of them. This is something I started working on over a year ago when I started getting coached on my fears about my son growing up without a dad in his life. What my coach helped me see was that my fears and anxieties about my son’s possible inner experience was more harmful than the experience of not having a dad.
She said, “when he does eventually go through a grief process around his dad, he will come to you. So do you want to meet him with an open acceptance of his process so that he can go through it or do you want to meet him with tense fear… because that will signal to him that how he is feeling is not ok. So he will stuff it down and find a way to cope… and we all know the different issues that come from that.”
That was life changing for me. So I’ve decided that I am all in on whatever his process is… both with his dad and in every day life. So if he is having a melt down, I try my best to stay calm. When his big three-year-old emotions come out, I am very conscious to meet him with lots of love and acceptance. That doesn’t mean he gets to do whatever he’s tantruming about, but it does mean that he’s receiving a message that the feelings themselves are not a problem.
So let’s translate that to adult relationships. I continue to be fascinated by how many adults think that their feelings are not ok. I mean, I’ve literally had people ask me if its ok to feel the way they feel. People, if its true and authentic for you, then it is ok! Your feelings are here to tell you something. They are your friend. They are not always pleasant, but they are always informative.
Imagine being with a man who feels accepting of his own feelings which means he can work through them and talk about them. That’s the kind of man I am trying to raise.
And the third thing I am teaching him is that tone matters. It’s not just about the words, it’s about how you say them. When he is older, I will teach him about energy and body language and all that. But for now, since he’s so little, I don’t give him what he’s asking for until he says please and until he says it in a nice tone.
So I’ll say what do you want to say and he will say please. But if he says it in a really rude way, I’ll say and how do you want to say it, and he will fix his tone and gently say please. I want him to learn that tone matters. And I will continue to teach him that as he gets older because it will serve him. We all respond well and feel more comfortable opening up to someone who meets us with an approachable tone.
So I’ll just end by saying that no I’m not crazy, I do realize he’s a very young child and he’s not making the connection. But I am. I know what it takes to have a healthy relationship and I know the power I hold as the main relationship in his life.
That being said, if you feel like your marriage is not giving your kids what they need to have healthy relationships in their adulthood, let’s talk. It doesn’t matter how old they are, even if they are teenagers, you can still turn this thing around. There’s actually MORE value in kids seeing an unhealthy relationship become healthy than never seeing an unhealthy relationship at all. Scroll down the show notes, schedule a free call with me and let’s come up with a plan to bring healthy relationships into your home and into the lives of your family.
