Hey everyone, welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast! Today I want to talk to you about resentment. I want to define it, normalize it, and then give you some real talk about what it really takes to release it.
Not all resentment is created equal. You might feel resentful towards your parents for some shit they did when you were a kid. You might feel resentment towards your boss for under valuing you. You might even resent your kids because of how much your life and body has changed. All of that is common and you do not need to judge yourself for it. Resentment is part of the human experience and releasing it is part of growth.
It’s ironic that I’m recording this episode this morning because already today I have felt resentful towards my toddler for waking up so early that I didn’t get a chance to pray or meditate this morning. And believe it or not I have a wicked resentment right now towards both my cats! That’s right, my cats. Those little F’ers woke me up several times last night. As you can see, anyone who interrupts my routine gets put on my shit list.
But of course these resentments will pass in the next hour and I will move on with my life. I’m not talking about those kinds of grudges, I’m talking about the deep ones. The ones that live in your body and may even be keeping you up at night. One of my mentors and I always joke that there are two types of resentments… regular ones and shower ones. A shower resentment is when you’re in the shower telling them off in your head and you get out even more mad at them. And of course for our purposes today, we will be talking about resentment towards your partner.
So what is resentment? Resentment is defined as the bitterness one feels after being treated poorly. Simple enough, right? It’s like food, sunlight, and water for the ego. Your ego’s job is to keep you focused on you. To always be taking inventory of what everyone has done to you, who might be a threat, and who you need to manipulate to get your way. That’s just the way we were created. If you’re on a spiritual journey like I am, then you know that decreasing the ego is pretty much the name of the game.
So it’s no surprise that resentment keeps you stuck. In fact, did you know it actually affects your health? Holding onto resentments raises your blood pressure, heart rate, and nervous system activity. It’s also an emotion that we tend to eat over, drink over, or whatever your vice is for when you’re uncomfortable. Resentment also bleeds into other relationships. It is very common to be feeling resentful towards your partner and take it out on your kids.
On the other side of that coin, letting go of resentment improves your overall health because it lets go of deep stress and opens up space and energy for healthy activities.
OK so now that we know what it is and why it’s worth letting go of, how the hell do we do it? The first thing I want you to know is that releasing resentment is a process. As I tell you the steps, I’m going to tell you my story with releasing resentment towards my husband… which by the way I am still in the process of doing!
The first step is to define what’s actually underneath the resentment. Resentment is a secondary emotion. Which means that there is a primary emotion underneath it. For me it was just straight hurt. There was also some embarrassment and loss. But those feelings are very vulnerable feelings. Resentment feels so much more powerful. So it’s very common to feel resentment when there is something else underneath.
I’m not going to go into my whole marriage story here cause I like to keep these episodes short but I tell it all in episode 25, titled How My Failed Marriage Turned Me Into a Badass Coach. I’ll link it in the show notes for you.
See, resentment is one of those emotions that covers up the emotions you actually need to process. So, if you have a resentment towards your partner, I want you to ask yourself, what’s underneath it? Are you feeling hurt, betrayed, sad, disconnected, jealous… define what’s actually happening for you.
The second step, and I feel like no one talks about this, is to decide that you actually want to let go of the resentment! I wasn’t letting go of shit for the first year. That’s just where I was at. And you know what, that’s ok. The key is to own it.
Do you actually want to let go of your resentment? Get really really honest about that. Because resentment comes with secondary gains. For me, it made me feel protected. I felt like as long as I had this wall of resentment up, he couldn’t hurt me again. He couldn’t doop me into thinking he was trustworthy again. I was safe behind that wall and I wasn’t budging. And I was totally cool with that.
Eventually, I decided that I no longer wanted to live with this fieriness inside of me. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to just drop it with the snap of a finger but I at least made the decision that I was ready to start. I was ready to give up that wall of safety because I wanted to trade it in for something much more valuable… growth and inner peace.
So once I made that decision honestly, from within, I moved onto step three. And that is to talk about it. Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it. This step doesn’t need to be the third step, it probably happens throughout all the steps. But once you’ve defined what’s underneath your resentment and then made the decision that you want to release it, your energy when talking about it changes. Instead of stewing, you start processing.
Make sure you’re talking to someone safe and qualified. What do I mean by that? I don’t want you talking to someone who’s going to commiserate and keep you stuck. Talk to someone who values growth, evolution, processing emotions. Some people don’t value those things and that’s fine. But you are who you surround yourself with. I turned to my sponsors in AA and Al-anon, life coaches, relationship coaches, and trusted friends who were on a spiritual path.
I did not talk to my family about it. I love my family and they are great, supportive people. But they had their own emotions about the whole situation. They loved me but they also loved my husband and they loved my son. They were emotionally involved and I actually found it harmful when trying to talk to them. I would feel even more resentful after trying to converse with them about my feelings. So I stopped doing that. I tell you that to point out that even good, loving people in your life might not be the appropriate people to support you in this process.
I also encourage you to talk about it with pen and paper. There is magic in pen and paper, my friends. If you’re not familiar with journaling, just set a five minute timer on your phone, take a pen and paper and just start writing. Doesn’t’ matter how you start, you can talk about your morning or what you were thinking last night. It takes about half a page before your subconscious takes over. You’ll be amazed at how cathartic it is to get it out on paper.
Step four is body work. Resentment is an emotion. Emotions live in your body. Thoughts live in your head and emotions live in your body. Your thoughts create your emotions so they are connected but when we are trying to release an emotion, we have to incorporate some body work.
Body work includes exercise, yoga, meditation, and breathwork. Those are the things that worked for me. Especially meditation. There are meditations that are specific to releasing anger and resentment. Another thing that really works for me is prayer. When I tap into something bigger than me, it helps my ego get right sized and I’m able to turn to something more powerful to help me do something that I just can’t do for myself.
And the fifth step that I have for you is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. And I know what you’re going to say… “I would never to them what they did to me. Or I never talk to them the way they talk to me.” And I hear you. I would never have had an affair like my husband did. But when I honestly put myself in the headspace he was in…. I had to admit that he was really unwell. And maybe sex wouldn’t have been something I would have turned to if I was that unwell, but I would have turned to something and it probably would have warranted him resenting me.
You see, every single thing that someone says or does is about THEM. So maybe your partner did have an affair. Or maybe it’s nothing like that at all. Maybe they just never help around the house. Or maybe they become disrespectful when you argue. Of course, boundaries need to be set, I’ll save that conversation for another episode. But I want you to know, friends, and this is SO IMPORTANT for your healing process. That whatever your partner is doing or saying that you resent, it’s not about you.
Bad behavior comes from pain. You know that saying, “hurt people hurt people.” It is so true. So whatever they say or do is a reflection of their thoughts, feelings, and pain points. Their life experience and the lens they see the world through. But you holding onto grudges vs. choosing to start the process of releasing resentment – that is a reflection on you!
I spent a long time not wanting to release that resentment, and that reflected where I was at in my journey. It’s nothing I judge or feel ashamed about, it just is. Once I was ready to release the resentment, nothing about him had changed, it was simply a shift in where I was at. Get my point?
What they say or do is about them. What you say or do is about you. We affect each other, for sure. But it’s important to assign responsibility in the right places.
Ok I know I threw a lot of heavy shit at you today. If you need help releasing resentment towards your partner, I’ve got your back. In my coaching program, I have all kinds of exercises that make this process structured and quicker. So if you’re ready.. or if you want to be ready and don’t know how to get there… my program is for you.
I use a specific process to support, guide, and challenge you. I’ll give you the space you need to feel the way you feel while guiding you along the journey of healing.
I’ll give you the release exercises, the meditations, tons of coaching, and I’ll never let you stand in your own way. If you’re ready to let go of that fireball that lives in your gut and feel relaxed again, my program is for you. Scroll down to the show notes and click on the link to schedule a free consult.
Ok guys that’s all I have for you this week, talk soon!
