Hey everybody, welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast! This episode is being released the week between Christmas and New Year’s. Which means that everyone is traveling, dealing with the kids not being in school, lots of family time, and lots of time with their partner.
It’s also that time where everyone is thinking about their New Years resolutions. I’ll be honest with you; I think New Year’s resolutions are bullshit. I get it – a new year signifies a new start. But most people forget about their New Year’s resolutions by February.
But I do believe in working on something. On making something a focus. On shifting into a different awareness. Not with a due date or such a rigid goal that it’s overwhelming. But with an open mind and a fresh perspective.
This is what I want to motivate you to do in 2023 with your marriage or your intimate relationship. Because your relationship contributes to your quality of life. And if you’re a parent, then you probably have already seen how your marriage affects the kids. If you want to hear more on that, check out episode 15 titled 3 Things Your Marriage Teaches Your Kids. I’ll link that in the show notes for you.
So instead of saying you’re going to lose 30lbs or start a business – and don’t get me wrong I love both of those ideas, I’ve actually accomplished both of those things in just the past few years, I highly recommend them! But I want to challenge you to go all in on your marriage. Why? Well, obviously this is my specialty, so I love talking about intimate relationships.
But in addition to that, I know that in order to really improve your relationship with your partner, you need to be simultaneously improving your relationship with yourself. And that, my friends, is why I favor this focus as opposed to an external goal.
So, what does it mean to go all in on your marriage? Let’s talk about it. Going all in on your marriage means that you become willing to change the lens you see your partner and your relationship through. It means you are willing to work on 3 specific characteristics. These characteristics are what make people most successful when trying to improve their relationship.
The first one is vulnerability. I know some of you just cringed. I used to also. I used to see vulnerability as weak or just squeamish. But actually vulnerability is courage. The courage to show your real self. Without vulnerability – and by the way this can be done incrementally, you don’t need to put all your shit out there at once – but without vulnerability you can’t have a deep connection with your partner.
When you don’t show up as your real self in your marriage, when you keep that mask on, your partner doesn’t have anything to work with. Intimacy, real intimacy, comes from sharing the deeper parts of yourself. Even if you’re scared. For a deeper dive into this topic, check out episode 3 titled Does Your Partner Really Know You?
What is it that you’ve been too afraid to show your partner? I’ve coached on all of it. Feeling insecure, resentment, not wanting to be judged, you name it. I even had a client who didn’t want to be vulnerable with her husband because she was afraid he would see that his feelings for her were stronger than her feelings are for him. As if that’s a problem!
And that’s the thing, you view these parts of you as a problem. But they aren’t! You are human. You are flawed, you are feared up, and you are doing what so many people do – going through it alone. I believe that a lot of human suffering comes from going through the human experience alone!
I always have to chuckle when I coach someone who thinks they are the only one feeling like they don’t want to have sex… or feeling like maybe they married the wrong guy… or feeling like they just don’t respect their husband as much as they used to. These things are common!
They tell me these things as if they are some dirty little secret. But if it’s your experience, I mean your real authentic experience, then it needs to be honored. It needs to be looked at, discussed, and worked through. You deserve to live an authentic life, there is nothing more rewarding and peaceful. Aren’t you tired of not matching your insides with your outsides?
Are you starting to see how working on your marriage means working on yourself?
Ok the second characteristic I want you to work on in 2023 is curiosity. Curiosity is so powerful; I think it’s one of the most powerful emotions we can tap into when working on relationships. Let’s talk about what it looks like when you don’t have curiosity.
When you don’t have curiosity, you just think you know things. You think you know why your partner says and does things. You think you know how he feels. Real growth means letting go of all that. It means giving up the need to be right, giving up the need to prove your point, giving up being on opposite teams. No curiosity means no open communication which means no connection.
It’s kind of like the other side of the vulnerability coin. Vulnerability is when you open up and share the parts of you that you keep hidden. Well, curiosity is when you invite your partner to do the same. I go into this topic in depth in episode 2, titled The Secret To Ending the Conflict With Your Partner. Go check that one out, its actually one of the most popular episodes I have.
You see, “bad behavior” comes from pain. So, when your partner behaves badly, whatever that means to you – says something hurtful, disciplines the kids too harshly, doesn’t keep his word – whatever it is, he’s not just being a dick. Everyone’s actions come from their feelings and thoughts. The lens they see the world through. Real relationship work involves getting curious about what’s behind their behavior.
Is it something they learned from their parents? Is it a response to an old trauma? Is it something they carried from a previous relationship? Usually, when people act out in some way, it is because they have a core fear that is being threatened.
I spoke to a woman I mentor yesterday. She was in India with her husband who grew up there. She called me from a hotel room to tell me that her husband had some kind of stomach bug. She was so annoyed because they had exciting plans that they now could not attend. She had zero compassion for her husband who was throwing up and was really acting like a baby about the whole thing.
To the naked eye, it’s easy to judge her and say “wow, clearly he can’t help that he has a stomach bug, how about taking care of your man!” Right? But I invited her to be vulnerable. I got curious and asked questions. After talking for a few minutes, it became clear to me that her core fear – which is being trapped – was being triggered on this trip. She is a white woman in India, doesn’t know the language or the land and is basically at the mercy of her husband and his family making plans and keeping her safe.
She is not in control of her days right now and it’s making her feel trapped. Even though she technically has free agency to do whatever she wants, she knows it’s in her best interest to stay close to them and therefore she is feeling frustrated. This event they were going to attend that night was the one thing that she felt like she had input into and was really excited about. So, when he got sick, and she was trapped in a hotel room for the night instead, she freaked out.
When you look at it from that perspective you can really understand where she’s coming from, right? This is my point. How many opportunities have you had to ask questions and get curious about why your partner is acting the way they are, but you deferred to being mad or resentful because your ego felt threatened or a core fear of yours was being irritated?
And the third characteristic is being teachable. If all you know is all you know, then how can you grow? How can you expand your mindset and evolve if you only rely on what’s in your head? Since you’re listening to this podcast, you are somewhat of a seeker because you are looking to learn and improve.
But how far do you take that? Do you read books about communication and connection? Do you surround yourself with people who are invested in their own self-growth? Do you have a therapist or a coach who can mentor you and point things out that you simply can’t see yourself?
Are ready for 2023 to be the year that you focus on your marriage and shift into some of these characteristics that WILL get you results? If so, I want to invite you to schedule a free consultation with me.
I’ll tell you all about my 1:1 coaching program. In my program, we cover all of it. Nothing is left on the table. I have a step-by-step process that will take you from feeling confused and resentful to relaxed and connected with your partner.
I work with you one-on-one to remove every single obstacle that’s in your way. I teach you how to communicate effectively, how to show up having your own back while simultaneously respecting your partner, and how to deepen the connection. And if your spouse is someone who is willing to be coached, my program includes coaching for them as well.
In addition to all the coaching and education I give you, I also provide you with support in between sessions, which is so important. Learning techniques is one thing but implementing them is a whole other ball game. When you’re in my care, I am there for all of it. You have constant guidance.
So, if this sounds like something you’re ready to dive into, scroll down to the show notes and click on the link to schedule a free call. I’ll ask you some questions about your relationship and we will see if we are a good fit for each other.
Ok guys that’s all I have for you this week – enjoy your last week of 2022 and start thinking about going all in on your marriage in 2023.
