EP 24 – HOW TO STAY CALM IN AN ARGUMENT
Welcome back guys! Before I get started with the actual episode, I wanted to take a minute and tell you about my coaching program!
The reason you tune into my podcast is because you want to have a stronger connection with your partner.
Maybe you have a hard time saying how you really feel… maybe you feel resentful a lot of the time…maybe you’re fighting a lot, or maybe you just don’t like the version of yourself that shows up in your marriage.
A lot of women want to make changes but they lack support, accountability, and an actual step-by-step process for change.
If you’re anything like I was, you’re feeling alone on this journey and you don’t know where to start. You want your marriage to work but you constantly feel like you have to choose between keeping the peace or being your true self.
So I want to tell you about my program Partnership Aligned! It is a 15 week 1:1 coaching program where I teach you how to regulate your emotions, work through the fears and insecurities that hold you back from being vulnerable with your partner, and then turn you into a communicating pro! By the time I’m done with you, you’ll feel aligned and confident in your marriage and with yourself.
Click the link in the show notes to schedule your free consultation at https://calendly.com/partnershipaligned/free-consult where we will talk about what you’re struggling with and exactly how I can help you reach your relationship goals!
Ok so onto today’s topic. Have you ever had an emotional hangover after an argument with your spouse? I know I have! It’s that exhaustion you feel when you know you didn’t respond the way you wanted to but you just couldn’t help it!
Most of the women I coach have a pretty good awareness around this problem. They know they need to work on their reactions, but they just don’t know where to start. So today I am going to give you a step-by-step process to remaining calm during a heated argument so that you can express what you really want to say and not get lost in the fight.
- Ok so step one is the hardest step. And that is walking away for a minute. Tell your partner you need a minute. Say something like, “I love you but I’m feeling myself getting really angry heated right now so I am going to step in the other room and I’ll be back in a few minutes to talk this out calmly.”
Don’t be afraid to tell them exactly what your intention is. Don’t tell them they are driving you crazy so you need to walk away. Don’t say you can’t stand to see their face right now! We don’t want to be problem focused, we want to be solution focused. So present the fact that you walking away is part of the solution, not the problem.
2. Step two is to verbally vomit all that venom you want to spew onto a piece of paper. Some people call it brain dumping, some people call it a thought download. I don’t care what you call it, just do it!
You see, there’s nothing wrong with the things you’re thinking. But you just can’t take those thoughts and spew them all over your partner. I’m going to be totally transparent here. I have the capacity to be verbally abusive. Why do you think I know so much about peaceful communication? Sure I studied psychology and human behavior but the bigger lessons came from me working through this stuff myself.
Once upon a time I had zero control over my words when I was mad. God it felt so good to say those things in the moment. They rolled off my tongue so deliciously. But then afterwards I felt awful. And more importantly, I set the relationship backwards. So I had two options, I could continue to sit in emotional childhood and just say anything I wanted when I was mad. Or I could learn how to regulate my emotions and therefore my words. Obviously I chose the latter and here we are.
Ok so back to the pen and paper. There is power in pen and paper. Now, some people are super resistant to doing any kind of writing. If you’re one of those people, I would encourage you to consider trying something new. If nothing changes, nothing changes!
But if you’re adamant, then find an alternative. If you can do it without your partner hearing, journal verbally into some kind of recording app on your phone. If you have a coach or spiritual mentor, this would be a great time to call them. The point is to get it out.
3. Step number 3 is to do a box breath. This is a very easy form of breath-work that immediately calms the central nervous system. Side note, if you struggle with anxiety, this form of breath-work is your friend.
Navy Seals use the box breath to steel their nerves before going into high pressure situations. This is how powerful this practice is. So I’m going to illustrate it for you here so you know exactly how to do it. Because if it can help a Navy Seal then it can definintely help you, my friend!
To complete a box breath, inhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four, exhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four.
Do this for as long as you’re willing to. At least a minute or 90 seconds. Longer if possible. The reason the box breath is so powerful in these situations is because it releases you from the fight-or-flight mode you’re in when you want to rip your partner’s head off. Box Breath releases all the adrenaline and noradrenaline, the two hormones that are most prevalent in fight-or-flight mode.
So in other words, box breath calms you the F down so that you can return to the conversation without your hulk complex running the show.
4. Which brings me to Number four: return to your partner and re-engage in the conversation using one of these prompts. By the way, conversation prompts are something I include in my coaching program for all kinds of situations to help my clients begin a sentence in a way that invites solution and collaboration from their partner.
In the case of wanting to return to a previously heated conversation, my suggestion would be using one of the following two prompts:
- “Thanks for giving me a minute. The reason I was getting so upset is because I was making your words mean that ________.” And then insert your thought about his words. You see, it’s not your partner’s words or actions that’s making you upset, it’s the meaning you assign to their words.
For example, if your husband says “why is the baby crying?” and you make that mean that he thinks you’re not tending to the baby, you will have a very different response to that then if you think that he’s just simply curious as to why the baby is upset.
2. And the second prompt is “I’m so glad I took those few minutes for myself because I realized in that time that we are on the same team. How can we sit down and look at this problem together?” I don’t think I need to explain why that’s a better option than what you wanted to say, am I right?
Ok so to sum up, even though you are entitled to feeling however you want and your emotions are valid, I want you to ask yourself one question. Would saying that thing I want to say serve my marriage? If the answer is no then don’t say it. Write it, say it to a therapist or coach, scream it into your pillow. But don’t say it because it can’t be unsaid.
But that doesn’t mean don’t express your thoughts and feelings! It just means take a few minutes so that you can express them in a way that serves your marriage. In other words, say it clearly, kindly, and with a motive of finding solution together.
Alright guys that’s all I have for you today! Have an amazing week!
