Welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast! As far as I’m concerned there are only two major things that need to be worked on in to improve any relationship.
One is working on yourself. Your thoughts, feelings, actions, and general interpretation of the world and of your partner. Then there is communication. It’s actually the only part of improving your relationship that I think needs to involve your partner.
But communication is not just about speaking honestly and respectfully, it’s also about listening honestly and respectfully. So what do I mean by that? Well let’s get into it. I’m going to teach you how to be a master listener. What makes someone a master listener?
It’s not the tactical things, although I am going to give you some tactical tips but I’m really going to focus on the mindset of a better listener. But first let’s talk about why it’s even important to master listening.
- The first reason it’s so important is because you and your partner are teammates. You are on the same team. I like to really focus on the term life partner. This is your partner in life. Therefore, when you really listen to what your partner is saying, you are listening to the person you are collaborating on life with.
- The second reason it’s so important is because listening is respectful action. When you really listen to what your partner is expressing to you, it is a gesture that you respect them and value their thoughts and feelings.
- And the third reason is because if you don’t listen, then all you know is all you know. This is one of my favorite things to say to people. All you know is all you know! This is why reading books and listening to podcasts can be so powerful; it opens your mind to looking at something differently. Really listening to your partner does the same thing. If you open up to the process, then you may hear something you didn’t know.
There are three things I see holding people back from listening in a way that breeds connection:
1. Thinking they already know what their partner is going to say.
2. Letting anger/resentment keep them in their head.
3. Thinking of what they want to say next.
Tips for being a master listener:
- Embrace the silence! Often, we get anxious when there is some silence in a conversation. Don’t be afraid of this! When I am coaching, one of my favorite tools to use is silence. It gives the conversation room to breathe. When I embrace the silence and don’t jump in to fill it, something meaningful or profound always comes out. Silence is very powerful.
- Don’t start planning your retort, write down a note if need be. I am definitely guilty of totally missing what a partner is saying because I’m so wrapped up in my head about what I want to say next. When I started jotting down little words and phrases that would remind me later what I wanted to say, I was able to let it go from my brain and focus on what he was saying in the moment.
- Ask questions! If you don’t know what your partner means by something, ask! Don’t assume anything! Questions are the quickest road to connection. When you ask as opposed to assume, you give your partner the opportunity to share.
In fact questions are so powerful that I created a free guide for you called 21 Questions That Will Bring You and Your Partner Closer Than You’ve Ever Been! Many women have been telling me that it’s been creating intimacy in their relationship. I love hearing that because that’s exactly what I designed the questions for! Scroll down to the show notes and download it for free today.
I want you to think of communication as a science experiment. You are a student. You are curious. You are learning. This is the mindset I want you to take. Imagine your partner is a puzzle and his or her words are the puzzle pieces. You want to fully understand the whole picture but the only way to do that is to fully focus on each little piece.
If you’re conversing about something emotionally charged, you will of course feel some difficult emotions while listening. This can be a challenge. But I invite you to take that challenge because this is the most important time to lower your defenses and get curious. Bad behavior comes from pain. What kind of pain is your partner in? What might be going on for them that is causing them to feel and act the way they are?
If what I’m saying right now is resonating with you, I encourage you to go listen to episode 2, The Secret To Ending The Conflict With Your Partner. In that episode, I take a deeper dive into the mindset that dismantles some of the biggest conflicts.
Regardless of what the communication is about, it’s your attitude that will make or break whether the conversation is productive. If your motive is just to be heard or told that you’re right, you will miss a lot. If your motive is to truly collaborate and get to know each other better, then you’re heading towards success.
Think about how it feels when you can tell someone is really listening to you! You get more vulnerable and share more. It makes you want to open up, even sit closer and make more eye contact. When someone is really listening to you, that signals that you’re in an emotionally safe environment where you can be vulnerable.
So my invitation to you this week is to start practicing being a master listener. Get really curious, don’t interrupt, genuinely listen with the intent of knowing more. Show up in your relationship as part of the solution.
