Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Partnership Aligned Podcast! Today I want to give you the absolute mandatory step you must take in order to have a successful relationship. But first I want to define what is a successful relationship?
This is more than just not breaking up. This is more than just not fighting a lot. When I say successful relationship, I am referring to having an intimate connection where you grow together.
Because why settle? Why settle for a relationship where you are just really good at being roommates? Or really good at co-parenting? What if there is so much more available to you and all you need is some guidance?
Well, there is my friend. You get to create your experience in your life and in your relationship. And I can show you how. But it takes work. I don’t do hacks or quick fixes. This is the inner work that really brings upon that inner shift that makes you say, “we are different than we used to be.”
OK so let’s get into it!
The first step to a successful relationship is to engage in your own self-growth journey. That’s right, your first one doesn’t even include your partner. But before you groan, let me give it to you straight.
Listen, everything in your life starts with your health. I’m mostly talking about mental health but also taking care of yourself physically.
There is a prerequisite to working on your relationship with your partner. First, you need to work on your relationship with yourself. Why? Because your relationship with yourself will be mirrored in your relationship.
Without even realizing it, you will project your fears, judgments, and insecurities onto your partner. Let’s look at some example. Let’s say you struggle with having faith in yourself. If this is true for you, then I guarantee you struggle with having faith in your relationship. And if you don’t believe faithfully that you and your partner can work through whatever it is you’re up against, then you won’t be able to.
Another example would be if you compare yourself heavily to others. We all compare, it’s in our makeup. But I’m talking about comparing yourself dysfunctionally to where it keeps you from being yourself or focusing on your own life.
If this is you, then you are most likely also comparing your relationship to other relationships. This distracts you from being fully present with your partner in your actual circumstance. In essence, it keeps you from working on anything in a way that works.
Or maybe you’re just really out of touch with your emotions. I see this a lot. It’s impossible to connect with someone in a meaningful way when you don’t know how to connect with yourself.
The last example I’ll give you, because I could go on and one here, is some of the crap from your childhood that you are still acting out on. Maybe your mom was a people pleaser so you are too. Or maybe your dad was distant so you protect yourself in the same way. Whatever it is, it the fact that you’re an adult now doesn’t help you release it.
Time doesn’t matter. Process matters. And I’m not talking about childhood trauma, that is for therapy not coaching. I’m talking about habits, defenses, learned communication patterns. I don’t care how many date nights you and your partner have or how often you have sex. If you’re not committed to learning about yourself and each other… learning what makes you tick, the solutions will always be a band aid. The wound will flare up again, I promise you that.
In my coaching program, I take you through an advanced process that leaves you feeling happier and more connected to your partner. And guess what the first part of that process is? You guessed it! Empowering you and guiding you through a self-growth journey.
Because I don’t do band aids. I don’t do hacks and I don’t do quick fixes. In the coaching community, I have been described as the one who goes deep. It’s probably a strength from my years of being a therapist but I do have a gift for pulling the core issue out of whatever story you’re telling me.
The issues that are coming up in your relationship on a daily basis are not the problem. Those are the symptoms of the problem. The problem is underneath all of that and it is always something that centers in your mind. Every single time. It’s usually some kind of self-limiting belief or insecurity, a thought error, or an unquestioned message you received growing up.
And I know some of you are thinking right now, “but I’m not the one with the problem, my partner is!” Even if your partner really is the one creating all the issue, I promise you you play a part.
It takes two people to do the dance. If your partner continues to step forward and you keep stepping back, you are part of the dance. It only takes one person to dismantle the dynamic. You just stop dancing.
I know this sounds like a lot of work. So why do it? Well, as someone who has been through the journey myself and will continue to embark on it, I can testify that it is hands down the essential step to getting everything you want in your life. When I started taking ownership for my own part in the dynamic of my marriage, I gained back all my power. Now I had choices. Now I had agency. Now I could control how I reacted to things and where I chose to expend my energy.
As a result, I am now someone who always has my own back. Always. I do what I say I’m going to do and I say no when I want to say no. I don’t live in a reactive state of mind where my actions are based on what my partner is doing. I live in a proactive state of mind where I am the hero in my own story.
As a bonus, when you embark on a self-growth journey, it makes you more attractive! Because you are literally attracting more. More information, more curiosity, more education and self-reflection. As you attract these things, others are more attracted to you. And yes, I’m talking about your partner.
Are you ready to do this work? If so, you can fill out a form to give me some more information about yourself and I will reach out to you personally. I will link that into the show notes below.
Here’s the thing. The next year is going to go by whether you decide to invest in your own happiness or not. In a year from now, do you want to be saying “man, I am so glad I started this process a year ago!” Or do you want to be saying, “I really wish I had started last year so I could be happier by now.”
Whether you hire me or another coach, a therapist, or a spiritual advisor… whatever it is. Get yourself a mentor to take you through the process of squashing all your crap. You have this one life. Time to live it in harmony with your life partner.
