Welcome, welcome! Today I want to talk to you guys about something I see so many women doing that is just ruining relationships. And I don’t think you realize just how harmful this one thing is. It can actually tear your marriage apart.
I’m going to tell you what this one thing is and then I’m going to tell you the two HUGE reasons why you should stop immediately! Then I’ll tell you what you should do instead. Trust me on this one, it has saved marriages.
So, what am I talking about? I’m talking about something that I’ve done before and still regret to this day. So here it is: Stop talking to your friends and family about your relationship! Especially when you and your partner are fighting! Stop it!
Ok, first let’s talk about why you do it. Because I used to do it too. When your husband does something that just rattles the hell out of you, you feel the need to validate your anger. Your husband’s not going to validate it, he’s the one making you angry! So, you turn to your girlfriends. And I get it. It feels good to be validated.
So, you tell your friend all about it and she gasps and widens her eyes and says, “Oh my God I can’t believe he did that!” And you feel satisfied. You feel validated. Someone is telling you that you’re right. And that, my friends, gives your brain a HUGE dopamine hit. So, you keep talking. And then you start sharing about how this isn’t the first time your husband has done something like this. And on and on it goes.
By the way, there is a technical term for this: Triangulation. Triangulation has several definitions in the world of psychology but in regard to a romantic relationship it is defined as when one party involved in a conflict tries to pull a third party into the dynamic as a way of reinforcing their sense of rightness or superiority. But usually, the other person in the conflict doesn’t know this is happening. They are clueless.
I don’t know about you, but nothing that I just said in that definition sounds like love. Or connection. Or intimacy. Or open communication. It’s pretty much the opposite of all things loving and healthy.
And don’t for a second think that I am judging! The reason I speak so passionately on the topic is because I’ve been there! I’ve done it! 90% of what I talk about on this podcast is from both professional and personal experience.
So now let’s talk about the two ways triangulating will damage your relationship
- We discussed the first one in the last episode, where I interviewed my friend and colleague, Jenna Huss. She shared how damaging it was to turn to people who were willing to cosign her bullshit. If you didn’t listen to that episode, I highly suggest you go back to episode 11 and listen to How to Make Your Unhealthy Relationship Healthy.
The reason it is so damaging is because you get drunk with anger and resentment when you are in conflict. And what you actually need in that moment is someone who will kindly point out the truth to you.
This is where that whole being right vs. being happy thing comes up. Which is more important to you? And I’m not saying that you’re necessarily wrong but having a hype man telling you just how wrong your partner is is not good for your connection.
And it’s not your friend’s fault. She wants to preserve the friendship. And a lot of people think that supporting a friend means agreeing with them. But actually, a quality friend will lovingly speak the truth because that’s actually what you need.
2. The second reason you need to stop talking to friends and family about your relationship is because they will not forget! You will forgive and move on, but they will not. Especially your family.
They are not in love with your partner. They do not snuggle up to him or have sex with him or go on dates with him. So, they will not forget that thing he did that had you crying for 2 days. That shit is embedded in their brain. I still have family members bringing up things my husband did years ago. Things they wouldn’t have known about unless I told them.
And it’s uncomfortable when you cry to your friend about just how horrible your partner is being only to be back all lovey dovey a few days later. Your friend is confused and her thoughts about your relationship begin to change. Again, she is not in love with your partner.
Ok, enough about what you shouldn’t do, What should you do?? You should hire a professional who is neutral and cares about your well being. That can be a therapist or a relationship coach. Or someone like me, who is both! I am trained to come to sessions in a neutral state without an agenda. Your goals are my goals.
However, I speak the truth and point out your part in things because I am not trying to preserve a friendship. I am trying to help you with your relationship. If this sounds refreshing to you, let’s have a clarity session! You can learn more at www.partnershipaligned.com/clarity. I will put that in the show notes.
And if you’re lucky to have that one friend who’s able to stay neutral and is going to give it to you straight, then that would be the exception here. It’s rare but they do exist. I have always been that friend. My whole life people have been coming to me with their relationship issues because they knew I would be honest. People crave that. It’s no coincidence I ended up a relationship coach!
The other thing you should do is have an open and honest conversation with your partner! A professional can help you with that as well if you don’t feel equipped to have productive conversations within your relationship. And I’ve got tons of content on how to have an honest, respectful conversation. Follow me on IG @partnershipaligned for daily tips and inspiration.
I’ll just end with this. Everyone brings less than flattering attributes into a relationship and all couples fight. So you have to ask yourself, How do I want to handle these moments? Who do I want to be? Do I want to go behind my partner’s back and talk shit to a friend? Or do I want to get some help and learn to have an open discussion? Do I want to be part of the problem or part of the solution?
Your choice in this decision is highly consequential. And think about it from your partner’s point of view. I wouldn’t want my significant other talking to all of his friends and family about that thing I said last night. I have to have a relationship with those people!
Being in a long-term relationship or marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s important to fight the urge to have a friend or your mom validate you and think more solution focused. If your goal is connection, then it’s time to match your insides with your outsides and honor that goal.
