Hey friends and welcome to the show! Today we are talking about a topic that really gets me going. I have coached quite a few women on this and the freedom I see on their faces when they finally understand this concept is sooo rewarding to me. Because I was them! So let’s get into it. By the way, you can find the transcript to this episode at www.partnershipaligned.com/5
So, I am just going to say it: You can be happy even if your partner is not. This is a controversial topic that I get a lot of resistance to, which tells me I’m hitting the right buttons.
I think the reason it hits those buttons is because people confuse this concept with being un-supportive. I actually think that this is the most supportive thing you can do, more on that at the end of the show.
If your partner is…. Shall we say… moody, then you probably feel like your day somewhat depends on what mood they’re in. So, let’s stop for a second and just look at that. How could someone else’s mood possibly dictate your day?
Well, very easily, right? For many of you, you feel like you are supposed to manage the emotions of others. And it feels extra true when it comes to your romantic counterpart.
The reason you do this is because you mirror their emotions. So, when your partner is angry, you get angry that they are angry. When your partner is sad, you feel sad that they’re sad. And when they are happy, you are once again happy! So of course, you want to manage their emotions, because YOUR emotions are contingent upon them!
So, let’s talk about the two main problems with this:
- It creates anxiety. If you are constantly looking out for the next mood, you will be in a state of perpetual tension.
I think this is a good place to put in the disclaimer that nothing, absolutely nothing I say in this podcast applies to an abusive relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to go get a different kind of help then I am offering here. I would be happy to help you find those resources if you email me at Elana@nullPartnershipAligned.com
2. The second problem with basing your mood on your partner’s mood is it leads you to live a reactive life as opposed to a proactive life. What’s the difference? So glad you asked! A reactive life is one where you are just waiting for the next thing to happen so that you can decide what your next reaction will be. This is like watching your life on a screen in a movie theater without any control buttons.
A proactive life is one where regardless of what’s going on around you, YOU decide how you will think about it, feel about it, and ultimately handle it. This concept is one of the main pillars of living an emotionally free life.
So, how do you attain this kind of freedom in the midst of your partner’s emotional roller coaster? There are two steps:
- You make the decision to get off the ride.
Easier said than done, I know. At first. It does take some practice, but the results are almost immediate.
You see, your partner is used to you getting on that ride with them. Even if you’re not agreeing with them, you’re on that emotional rollercoaster, reacting and dramatizing.
This makes it easier for them to stay on there longer! You feed off each other. This is the nature of humans. When someone will commiserate or dramatize with us, we stay stuck.
And if you’re already on the ride, if you’re feeling totally reactive and out of control, the good news is you can just decide to step off.
So, while it may feel necessary to join the party, it’s actually counter-productive. So this might look like leaving the room to go do some journaling or meditation when your partner is in a funk that they don’t want to come out of.
2. You stop trying to get them off their own rollercoaster.
This is where my clients find the most freedom. When I coach them to LOVINGLY detach from the ups and downs of a moody partner, they always want that partner to change in that moment as well.
But your partner gets to have their own journey. They get to be on whatever ride they want to be on and so do you. So, stop trying to get them to be happier if they’re not feeling it. Give them the dignity of having whatever experience they are choosing to have.
Now you may be asking yourself, I thought this podcast was called Partnership Aligned! How does me detaching from my partner help me align with them?
Well, my friends the answer is that first you must align with yourself. If you choose to always mirror your partner’s emotions and not your own, we call that co-dependency, NOT ALIGNMENT.
I want you to know that it is OK that your partner is having a hard time! They are human and they get to have the full human experience.
When you decide to get off the rollercoaster, it makes it easier for your partner to get themselves off too. On their own time. It won’t happen right away. At first, they will be confused and try harder to get you back on. But once they see that you’re not budging, they will calm down and now you have an opportunity for a real conversation.
And isn’t that the whole point? This is the person you’re choosing to spend your life with! Conversations over drama… ALWAYS!
Because like I always say, bad behavior comes from pain. Your partner is not getting upset and angry all the time because they are enjoying it, they just don’t have the tools to access a different response.
When you lead by example, it shows them that it’s possible. The longer you indulge and react to their emotions, the more likely this becomes the dynamic of the relationship. That’s no fun.
I speak about this topic from a professional standpoint but also from a deeply personal one. A few years ago, I had a partner who was always getting angry or upset about something. He wasn’t violent or abusive, but he was very sensitive and moody.
I found myself trying to manage his emotions. I would walk on eggshells, never wanting to make waves because I knew how easily he got upset. And when he came home from work upset, I had to brace myself because I knew it was going to be a long night.
Luckily, I did the inner work I’ve been describing on this episode, and I was able to lovingly detach from his inner experience. I was, of course, there to talk whenever he wanted to have a conversation but when he got into one of his moods, I simply let him have his space and I went about my own business. I didn’t try and get him to be less upset and I definitely didn’t get upset with him anymore.
This created an inner sense of freedom. I took all the energy that I had been using to try and control his inner experience, and I directed it inward to manage my own inner experience. Essentially, I stopped trying to control what I couldn’t and started controlling what I could.
So why do I say that this is the most supportive thing you can do? Because there is no movement forward when you jump on the rollercoaster and engage in drama. People who have big emotions need a calm anchor, not a partner in crime.
Getting off the ride is love. It’s love for yourself and it’s love for your partner. You show up as your best self when you are being authentic and centered. A healthy relationship is made up of healthy people. So be the first one to go get healthy. Don’t worry, it’s contagious. And even if your partner does stay on that ride, at least you’re in control of your own emotional life and not reacting to someone else’s.
