Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Today I want to talk about something that I’m seeing with a lot of my clients in their relationships and that is The Power Struggle.
A power struggle is when two people have very strong, opposing opinions about things that are important to each of them. Power struggles are common in romantic relationships. It leads to resentment, disconnect, and even hostility.
If you’re in a power struggle right now or a gridlock as some therapists call it – you legit think that you are right and your partner is wrong. And you have all the evidence in the world that you’re right. And you’re probably completely perplexed that they can’t see it your way.
Depending on the topic, you may be trying to prove your point by getting others involved, or pulling up research, or whatever… you’re committed, and you’re determined to get them to see why you’re right.
Now because your partner is also in this power struggle, they don’t give in. And what happens is that the more your partner doesn’t give in, the more you want to fight. The more you want to present your evidence. The angrier and more perplexed you are.
Does this sound familiar? If so, I’ve got good news for you. Although these power struggles are very difficult to go through and are challenging to get out of, they are solvable.
But before I go into the solution, I want to identify the two kinds of power struggles that I see within romantic relationships. One kind is where a decision needs to be made and each partner has very different ideas of what that decision should be. This can vary from something small like how to decorate the house all the way up to something really big like whether you should have a baby or not.
The second kind of power struggle is where no actual decision needs to be made but both partners feel wildly misunderstood on a particular topic and it creates gridlock. The big one I see here is division of labor. Many couples have an imaginary scoreboard of who does more and who’s having a harder day.
Ok so let’s talk about the “solution.” I put that in quotes because it may not end up looking the way you would want the solution to look but it is nonetheless the path to peace and even deeper connection.
The biggest mindset shift that will lead you towards resolution is to try and understand rather than to be understood. If anyone knows the St. Francis Prayer, I love that part. It is better to understand than to be understood. Ugh pretty hard when you’re feeling so passionately about something, isn’t it?
But let’s talk about the goal. The goal is to have a healthy relationship, not to have it go your way. I know that’s hard to hear but your way aint working. So, it’s time to try something new. A different mindset, a fresh perspective.
John Gottman, relationship researcher, say: “some problems are actually unsolvable in the sense that there will always be some major differences between you. Your purpose is not to solve the conflict completely, the purpose is to declaw the issue and lessen the hurt so that it’s not such a high source of pain.”
So in other words, you need to agree to disagree. Your partner does not need to concede and neither do you. Because no one needs to win.
Now if you’re in the kind of conflict that needs to be resolved quickly because you have a time sensitive decision to make together, then you may be thinking that this isn’t going to work for you. But research shows that the harder you fight, the more gridlocked you are. The answer is actually to take a step back. Both literally and figuratively. Take a breather, decide that you want to understand them, and then come back to the conversation with curiosity.
Because that is the answer to having a healthy, loving relationship. Complete sincere curiosity. Genuinely wanting to understand where your partner is coming from. Because remember, the only reason your partner disagrees is because they see the world through a different lens. Life is subjective. If you had their brain and their experiences, you would be saying what they’re saying as well.
On a more tactical note, go to your partner and suggest that you each try and understand each other without any convincing. Tell them you want to hear their experience, not their evidence. Ask them how they feel and what experience have they had that has led to them feeling that way?
Expect this practice to be done over the course of a few conversations. Expect yourself to be triggered, it is ok. Practice some deep breathing and focus on staying calm during the conversation so that you can actually hear what your partner is trying to convey.
When you find yourself really wanting your partner to concede or tell you you’re right, ask yourself why. Why is it so important that your partner who is different from you, see things the same way you do? Why must one person be right?
Really dig. Is it because being right makes you feel secure or powerful in the relationship? Is it because you think there is only one right answer here? Is it because you were told you were wrong often as a child or in a prior relationship? Get curious with yourself as well. The goal is to understand, both yourself and your partner.
If you’ve tried to have a few conversations with the mindset of wanting to be curious… and you’re still in gridlock, then it’s time to find a couples therapist or relationship coach. Having a neutral third party who is trained to help you connect is so valuable in this situation.
The goal is not to solve the problem, it’s to understand. Accept that the final outcome may look different than what you thought. A middle path can be created when curiosity and a desire for collaboration is tapped into. A middle path that may end up being better in the long run than just you being right.
Do you need some help with this? Relationships are my jam. There is no conflict or power struggle that can’t be resolved with some thought work. I specialize in causal coaching – which means I get to the cause of the issues and work from the wound, not slap on a bandaid. So if you’re ready to do something different and get a different result, let’s have a free consultation.
