Hey guys, welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast. So, you probably don’t know this, but when I made the switch from therapist to coach, I spent some time figuring out exactly what my niche would be.
I knew that I wanted to work in the world of relationships. Relationships have always been my jam and apart from my addiction, I’ve always had good relationships with everyone around me and a healthy relationship with myself. I also always loved working through relationships with people when I was a therapist. And in my personal life, everyone has always come to me with relationship issues.
But the question was, what kind of relationships do I want to focus on? So first I wanted to work with single moms. Then I decided I wanted to work with women who had a partner but were not engaged yet and wanted to be. Then I decided I was going to work with women on their relationships with a difficult in-law.
I was pretty sold on this idea, so I did some market research. I interviewed 18 women who were struggling with an in-law to see what exactly the pain points were and how I could be of service. It was an interesting niche. Most women were struggling with their mother-in-law… like 15 out of the 18! But a few were struggling with a SIL or a FIL.
I personally don’t struggle with my mother-in-law; we are very close. But I have had a front row seat to the issues between both my sisters-in-law and my mother at different times. And I always found it so interesting how both sides wanted to same thing – to be seen and respected. But had very different ideas of what that would look like and needed help with communication.
The interesting and kind of scary part of what I found (and the reason I chose not to pursue it as a niche) is because not one of those 18 women wanted to work through her issues with her MIL. They all had given up. They had resorted to not speaking or just being civil at holidays. In their mind, it was unfixable and their ego wasn’t having it.
So, I let it go because it was not a viable niche to help people with something that they weren’t motivated to work on. I then landed on working with women who wanted to release resentment towards their partner and deepen their connection. And obviously that’s going well. Plus, I’ve got some interesting personal experience with it. If you haven’t heard my story yet, tune in to episode 25 titled How My Failed Marriage Turned Me Into A Badass Coach. I’ll link that for you in the show notes.
So, I wanted to talk today about how these in-law conflicts affect the marriage. I’ve seen a lot of different scenarios and I have some reasons for why I think you SHOULD work on these relationships.
Reason number one and the most important reason as far as I’m concerned is for your own self-growth. When you decide, you are going to take a different perspective with your in-law and overcome your ego to choose love, your soul opens up and you get one step closer to being awakened. I know that was some spiritual jargon but if you know, you know.
My second reason for why you should look at your in-law relationship is because of how much it would mean to your partner. And working on your relationship with your in-law can mean a lot of things. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you come to them and say let’s get along. It might mean having clearer boundaries so that you can love them more. Each situation is different.
Now, I want to make a disclaimer. If your in-laws are emotionally or verbally abusive, if they are in active addiction or have committed crimes against you, then those are obviously situations that are out-of-the norm. This podcast episode is not about those extremes. This episode is for the every-day just not liking your in-laws and not knowing how to situations.
No matter how passive-aggressive, manipulative, or rude your in-law might be, that’s still your partner’s family. Their blood. The people who raised him. For them to have a partner and a family who work on their relationship is really beautiful and often a huge relief.
I mean, I’ve seen both my brothers feel very uncomfortable about the conflict between their wives and my mom. They both do a really good job of not getting involved but internally it’s a struggle for them.
Which brings me to my next point, and this is where some of you are going to get mad at me. It is not your partner’s job to make nice between you and your in-laws. It is their job to set appropriate boundaries with them and uphold those boundaries but that is different than mediating. In my opinion, I think all adults should handle their own relationships without expecting other adults to facilitate.
And my third reason you should work on your relationship with your in-laws is for the kids. If you’re a mom, then these people are your children’s blood relatives. If you think for one second that they don’t notice the tension or disdain you have for a difficult in-law, you are lying to yourself. Kids notice all these things. They have amazing intuition.
Ok so those are my reasons that I believe difficult in-law relationships are a beautiful opportunity for growth and connection, sometimes with them and sometimes with your partner or kids.
When I was doing those market research calls with those 18 women, the biggest sentence I heard over and over was “why should I work on it when she won’t.” And you know what, I hear a lot of the same thing being said about partners.
Because all relationships are the same people. I’m gonna drop some advanced coaching concepts on you here. Your relationship with other people is just your thought about them. That’s it! I promise you that’s true.
Don’t believe me? Think about someone you love who has passed away. Your relationship with them exists in your thoughts. How you think about them, the memories you ruminate over – that is the relationship… and they’re not even here!
And the same goes for relationships with loved ones who are alive. Your relationship with your partner depends on your thoughts about them. You could be really mad at them while they’re at work and then before they even finish their workday, you decide to think about all the things you love about them and now you feel better about the relationship without ever even talking to them.
This concept can be applied to in-laws too. You can choose to think about them as the enemy. Someone who threatens your marriage or your motherhood or your inner peace. Or you can think of them as your biggest spiritual teacher – the one who will challenge you to become the next evolved version of you. You can also choose to think of them as someone who is not well or doesn’t have the tools. What that does is you stop making it about you and you don’t take it so personally.
Looking back on my mom and her daughters-in-law, most of the conflict came from just being raised differently. Different ideas of how to raise the kids, how to keep the home, and how much time to spend together. Even different ideas of how long to keep milk in the fridge before throwing it out. Literally things that small and specific. That’s it. Just different beliefs. That’s all we’re dealing with here people.
Now listen, I can coach anyone on any relationship so if you need help with your difficult in-law, I’ve got you. But especially if your in-laws or maybe it’s your family that is the difficult in-law – but especially if some kind of in-law is “creating problems in your marriage” … oh I’m all over that one. That’s one of my favorite things to coach on. So, if this sounds like you and you want to find out how I can help you, scroll down to the show notes and schedule a free call. I would love to hear all about your story and your struggle.
