Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast! So today I am going to cover a topic that is emotional and controversial. And that is, when is a “difficult” relationship difficult enough that you should leave? I am going to give you my opinion of course, but it’s based on a lot of education and experience. But nonetheless, it is still an opinion.
Ok so the first thing you might be asking yourself is, “wait aren’t you supposed to be helping people stay together, not break up?” And the answer is that I am here to help you see that you can feel better even if your partner doesn’t’ change. I am also here to help you learn how to communicate effectively, change your thought patters, and shift your relationship mindset.
But above all, I am here to help you love yourself. I am your biggest cheerleader. And so my whole take on whether you should leave or not (only if that’s on the table for you obviously) is the following:
Get yourself to a place where your relationship with YOU is thriving. Then make the decision. Why is this my answer? A couple of reasons…
- Because very often your relationship with others is a reflection of your relationship with yourself. That’s why in my private coaching program, we work on your own self-love, self-confidence, and self-trust just as much as we work on your marriage.
- The other reason I want you to work on you before leaving is because marriage is not here for you to be comfortable, marriage is here for you to grow. I see marriage as a spiritual playground. Marriage is a perfect set up to work on kindness, honestly, compassion, and all of the other spiritual principles.
Working on your relationship with you is what makes those spiritual principles come to life. If you work on how you talk to yourself, the way you talk to your partner will change. If you work on being real with yourself about your thoughts and feelings, it will be much easier for you to do that with your partner too.
So it is very possible that your difficult relationship is your biggest teacher. Your bridge to self-love. With the right guidance and support, you can actually use your marriage dynamic to become the best possible version of yourself. So I just don’t want you jumping ship before you cross that bridge.
Now, that being said, if you are in an abusive or controlling relationship, you can still grow but not as much as you’ll want to because you’re also in active trauma. You’re in survival mode. Growth is available to you but it is stunted by the fight or flight instinct that will not go away while in a relationship that is emotionally or verbally abusive. So use that statement as you will.
When I was married to my husband, it was very difficult. You can hear my whole story in episode 25 but the jist is that my ex-husband is an addict who had a mental relapse way before the physical relapse. And what I mean by that is he stopped doing all the things that were helping him stay sober and healthy. And his demons came back up. His anger, bitterness, wanting to control things, and his using sex to cope with his discomfort.
This of course led to an actual relapse on drugs within the first year of us being parents. It was tough. But I will say that I am so grateful that happened. Because through a series of events and people, I ended up working with a coach to lovingly detach from his outer state and to gain control over my inner state. And I don’t think I’ve ever learned anything more valuable.
I have advanced degrees and lots of different kinds of experiences. But learning how to shift my thoughts, feelings, and reactions was invaluable. And of course, that’s the whole reason I started my coaching program.
Anyway, my point is that I did not leave and I worked on myself. I worked on the spiritual principles I mentioned earlier, I worked on my inner state, I let go of trying to control him, and I stopped taking his words and actions personally. I actually remember feeling peaceful in the midst of him using drugs on and off.
After I did all that work, I then found out he was having an affair. And because I was in such a good place with ME, I was able to quickly make a decision and without any drama or regeret about it. I left that same day.
And you might be saying – well sure you left because he was having an affair, that’s an easy one. But actually, and I’m not sure I’ve shared this on the air – that wasn’t his first infidelity. But the first time I hadn’t done this work on myself yet so I wasn’t honest with myself. I hadn’t identified my non-negotiables; I hadn’t given myself the permission to have self-compassion or take time to think about it. I was so anxious to control the outcome of our relationship and our family, that I brushed it off and buried it. I wasn’t being my authentic self.
But the second time, I had done all that work on me. And so I was ready to make a decision. And I made it from a place of self-love and clarity. I’ve never once wavered on that decision, not even in my head. I chose me that day and I’m damn proud of that.
Now all that being said, that’s my story. If he wasn’t unfaithful I may have never left. I may have stayed with him through addiction, I really don’t know to be honest with you. What I do know is that when you go through an active process of fixing your relationship with you, everything else gets easier.
Now I have a second answer to the question, when should I leave. Cause yes I do get that question! My first answer was once you’ve done the work on yourself then make a decision from a healthy, clear mind. But my second answer is whenever the hell you want! Right? I mean, if you legit just want out then get out! You’re never ever ever trapped. But the bulk of this podcast is for the woman who wants to make it work but doesn’t know if it can and feels trapped in the day to day unhealthy dynamic.
I’ll end with a metaphor I’ve used before that people love. Think of your marriage dynamic as the Waltz. When he takes a step forward you react by taking a step back. And when you take a step forward, he reacts by taking a step back. Even if your partner is “the problem or the unhealthy one,” you’re still dancing. You’re still a part of the dynamic.
When you do the work to fix your relationship with you, you essentially stop dancing and you go sit down. Now your dance partner has one of two options. Either he eventually comes and sits down with you – even though it may not be on your timeline or the way you want him to – he does come sit down too. Or he decides to keep dancing that dance alone. That information alone – that choice he makes – will tell you everything you need to know. But as long as you’re doing that Waltz, there’s no way to know.
So, let me teach you how to sit down. Let me teach you how to get off the rollercoaster and find solid ground – within you. My private coaching program will give you everything you need – education, guidance, support, and structure. This way you can go on your own self-growth journey while also working on the marriage. Then and only then, will making a decision one way or another be easy.
