Hey guys, welcome back to the show! I am recording this on Mother’s Day morning and I just gotta tell you guys I am so nervous right now. My 5 year old – and he’s a fresh five, he’s basically still 4 – woke up to tell me that he’s making me a Mothers day surprise so I have to go on the porch and not come in until he’s done. I can hear him clanging around in the kitchen and you KNOW he’s making a huge mess right now. I am just trying my best to respect how excited he is and not go in there. So, I thought I would come and talk to you guys instead!
Ok so before we get into today’s topic, I want to tell you about a special promotion I am running right now called The Summer Lovin’ Sale! Right now, if you sign up for my program by May 20th, you get $600 dollars off! This is a HUGE discount.
So, why am I doing this? Because I want more women to start enjoying their marriage! I have helped hundreds of women over the years heal and improve their relationships. It’s my zone of genius, relationships are my thing. I am able to see things others don’t see and deliver my findings and feedback in a way that cuts through all the bullshit and accelerates change.
Just last week, I had a bonus session with the husband of one of my clients. He thanked me because after just four months, his wife is more relaxed, more loving, and more intimate. And in turn, he has become those things as well. Their communication is much healthier and they can actually hear each other now. They’ve even made time for each other in the midst of raising two young children. It’s so beautiful to watch.
So, why a summer sale? Well, I want to help you bring some fun back into your marriage. I mean isn’t summer supposed to be fun? Well, the truth is that if you’re in turmoil about your marriage or just feeling really disconnected, then you’re probably not having too much fun – especially on family vacations. But I can help you change all that.
So sign up by May 20th and by June you’ll be feeling lighter and know exactly what your plan is for improving your marriage. By July you’ll be communicating regularly and working through obstacles in your marriage. And by August you guys will be lovin’ on each other again. That’s what the summer lovin’ sale is all about! So scroll down to the show notes and click on the link to get more info. Or you can email me at Elana@nullpartnershipaligned.com
Ok on to today’s topic. Have you ever noticed that the way you think about things really affects you? Your mindset about your life, about your relationship, about others in general – single handedly dictates your experience. You can put two women in the exact same situation, all variables constant, and they will have completely different experiences because they will be THINKING about it differently.
So knowing that mindset is everything, I wanted to give you guys my five favorite mindset shifts. So let’s get right into it.
Mindset shift #1 is “this isn’t happening to me, it’s happening FOR ME.” This one is great for relationships because the truth is that relationship difficulties are an invitation for growth. Everything that feels hard is actually an invitation for growth. So challenge yourself – whatever comes to mind when you think of challenges in your life – how might that be happening for you? Can you reframe it as an opportunity? As a learning moment? As protection against something? A question I like to ask myself is “how is it perfect that this is happening right now?” I can usually come up with something.
When you believe that your hardships are here for you to grow, it completely shifts your energy and your brain starts looking for how that might be true. I also like the thought, “I can do hard things.”
Mindset Shift #2 is specifically for marriage. It’s shifting from “It’s me against him to It’s us against the problem.” I actually have a whole episode on this mindset shift. It’s ep. 54 titled The Mindset Shift That Will Save Your Marriage. And it will. As long as you see you and your partner on separate teams, there is very little solution being had. I want you to think of the two of you as coaches on the same team. You are sitting down examining your opponent, coming up with the play that’s going to give you the win. You are working together, looking at the conflict or the obstacle as the enemy, not each other. This is the most powerful mindset shift you can make in your relationship.
Mindset Shift #3 is going from “I shouldn’t feel that way to if it’s true for me, it’s ok.” I could talk about this one all day but I’ll keep it short. Here’s what I want you to know: as long as you are beating yourself up for how you feel, you’re never going to be able to actually process how you feel and find solution. You will get stuck in the self-judgment and shame. You will expend all your energy there and not have any left over for the actual feeling you need to work through. As a result, you will just stay stuck.
Believing that your feelings are ok is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself – and your kids by the way. That’s a gift my mom gave me. She always honored her own feelings and mine -and as a result, I didn’t’ know any different. So, if it’s true for you, it’s ok.
By learning to make this mindset shift, you are saving time, energy, drama, and suffering. If those aren’t good enough reasons for you – I don’t know what is!
Mindset Shift #4 is when your partner isn’t working on themselves or working on the marriage without you initiating and you think to yourself why should I be the one? I want you to shift to “Why not me?” And I am really asking you. Why not you? Someone has to change first or lead the charge. We have this egotistical belief that if I am ready foryou to change, you need to change. No. If I want you to change… in other words our relationship to chabge…. Then I need to work on the only thing I have control over- me. You may follow suit or you may not. But why not me?
Because as long as you dig your heels in and say “I won’t work on it until he does” then you are a big part of the problem. It reminds me of kids fighting and when the mom asks what happened they each said, “he started it.”
Are you an emotional child or an emotional adult? Emotional children blame everyone else. Emotional adults work on themselves because they care about evolving. So, you decide who you want to be. If you spend your life waiting for others to change first, you have rendered yourself powerless. Now your entire emotional life is in someone else’s hands. I don’t’ know about you but I definitely want to be in control of my own emotional life. And that starts with taking responsibility and saying. Why the hell not me?
Mindset Shift #5 is shifting from victim to survivor. I was a therapist for many years and I have heard many many stories of people being victimized. I have treated these people for PTSD and heard the horrific stories as they processed. I’ll tell you the difference between the ones who were able to move on with their lives and the ones who forever lived in their trauma. It was whether they viewed themselves as a victim or a survivor.
The truth is that victims and survivors are the same. Most victims are survivors, and most survivors are victims. So it’s not that one is true and the other is false. It just depends on how you choose to view yourself. My grandmother was a Holocaust Survivor. She lost her entire family in the death camps. But the way she told her story and the way she carried herself, there was no mistaking her for a victim. She was a survivor.
Now the truth is, she was both. But she saw herself as a survivor. As a result, she came to the U.S. without any family and made a life for herself.
So, if your childhood trauma is holding you back from loving your partner the way you want to – or more commonly receiving love the way you’d like to – I encourage you to write down all the ways you are a survivor. Being a survivor doesn’t take away from the integrity of what happened to you – it just gives you agency to use the pain for growth. Victims don’t heal. But survivors do.
And for those of you who just have a general victim mentality – meaning no specific trauma but just always feeling like everything is hard and others don’t treat you write, etc. I suggest you listen to ep. 93 titled Getting Out of the Victim Role. As long as you’re the victim in your story, you stay stuck.
Ok so these are the mindset shifts that keep me healthy and help get my clients get healthy as well. These mindset shifts save marriages, create healthy parents, and generally increase quality of life.
Now, I know these are easier said than done. Don’t’ think that I don’t honor the amount of work it takes to really make some of these mindset shifts. I do. But the fact that it takes work isn’t a good enough reason not to do it. If you need help, I am here for you. Again, I’m running a special promotion now so if you’ve been thinking of working with me, this would be the time! I will take you from feeling tense and resentful to feeling relaxed, light, and aligned.
