Hey guys, welcome back! I hope you had a good week. I had a great week. Not only am I getting ready to start this group program but I also took a big risk by practicing clear, vulnerable communication in my relationship. It was a risk because I wasn’t sure how this receiving end would take it. But as I always say, the success of a conversation is not based on how the other person responds, its based on whether you showed up aligned with yourself or not. And I definitely showed up aligned with myself so I’m feeling really good about that.
Are you able to communicate with your partner in a clear, direct vulnerable way? Without added drama or past anger interfering with your message? If not, I want to teach you how. I am starting my brand new group coaching program this week and I want to invite you into it.
This program is for women who want to have a more connected partnership but struggle with their feelings, their self-image, and lack of communication skills. I am an expert in these areas and can help you get through anything that’s in your way.
You deserve to have your own back, connect more deeply, and feel happier in your day-to-day life. So if you’re interested, you can scroll down and click on the link for more info. If you email me in the next couple of days, I’ll give you 25% off that listed price.
Ok so on to today’s topic which is victimhood. Victimhood is probably one of the biggest obstacles I see in relationships. If you listen to last week’s episode, you’ll hear me talk all about not taking things personally and feeling better about yourself.
If you are someone who takes things personally all the time, it’s possible that you are living in victim land. So how do you know if you are? And why is this a problem? And what do you do about it? These are the questions I am tackling in this episode.
So let’s start with the definition of a victim mindset. There are many definitions online but my definition for the victim mindset is the constant searching for how others are in the fault and for how you are not. That’s what I see when I coach a woman on her marriage while she’s in victim mode. Her husband is the problem. Everything he says and does is a problem. Meanwhile she’s just hurting and not really contributing to the problem.
Some women will admit that they are contributing to the dynamic but insist that their partner is the one that needs to change or that their partner is the “bad guy.”
So here are some signs that you might be in victim mentality: You evade responsibility and place blame on others for your life, not being proactive in seeking solutions, catastrophizing problems, looking to connect with those who will co-sign your victimhood, negative self-talk and self-sabotage.
Now it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to identify this mindset as a problem. But let’s talk about the two biggest ways that I see this interfere in relationships. The first one is in your relationship with you. If you are in a victim mindset, then you are completely disempowered. You have now given away all your power, all your agency to your partner. If they act in a way that’s suitable to you then you’re good. If they don’t then you’re devastated. You have no power because you have no initiative to be the one in control of your own emotional life.
The second problem shows up in your relationship with your partner. I mean first of all, let’s call a spade a spade. Victim mentality is highly unattractive. Self-pity is not a good look on anyone. But aside from that, if you are in the victim role with your partner then that means you’ll never have a clear picture of what’s going on in your relationship. You’ll never see where you contribute to the issue, and you’ll always be attention-seeking. Everything will be about you and your feelings. It’s a one-sided relationship, emotionally speaking.
Now, victim mentality comes from actually being a victim at some point. So it’s important to know that there is an actual root to this issue and its not just you being a baby. And as I’m speaking on this topic, you may be identifying your partner as the one in a victim role. I see that a lot too. Regardless of whether it’s you or your partner, having some compassion for the fact that this behavior… just like any other undesirable behavior… comes from pain.
Maybe you were actually victimized as a child in some way. Or maybe you had a mother with a strong victim mentality so it’s a learned behavior. This is one of the reasons I strongly suggest you take a look at your own victim role and make changes… so that you don’t pass it onto YOUR kids.
So, what do you do if you are stuck in a victim role? Well, I recently had a session with a client who finally stopped blaming her partner and started looking at herself. It was beautiful. She released her partner from filling the void she has and became ready to fill it herself. We talked about some tangible, concrete things she can start doing on a daily basis to start this process plus we coached very deeply on the root of this void.
For her, the victim voice always told her she was in this alone. But the truth is she’s not. If she asks her partner for help, he gives it to her. But because she believes she’s in this alone, she does it all herself and doesn’t ask for help, therefore creating a reality where she is in this alone. Fascinating right?
And this is what we do. We have a core belief or a core fear and then we make it real. Our thoughts actually do create our results. Once we identified why she has this core belief, she was able to release some emotion around it. There is still much work to be done but we now have a much clearer plan on how to heal her relationship with herself and with her partner.
So, the first step is just to admit it. Gain some awareness over your own victim mentality. What is that victim sentence in your head? Is it like my client, telling you you are all alone? Or maybe it’s “no one understands me” or “I’ll never get what I want.” Whatever it is, you have to start taking responsibility for how you live this out. Victims continue to be victims. That’s just the way it is. When a victim starts to identify as a survivor, that’s when the magic happens.
Once you’ve admitted that you’re stuck in victim role, it’s time to engage in self-care and self-compassion. Be nice to yourself. Both in thoughts and actions. This takes some practice, especially the thoughts part but it’s worth the work. Listen, the next 6 months of your life are going to pass no matter what. Do you want to spend those months continuing in a victim mentality? Or do you want to do the work to get empowered and contribute to the solution in your marriage?
Start by identifying some of the actions you take as a victim. Do you sit and sulk? Do you lash out? Shut down? What’s the action that plays out your victimhood? Once you’ve identified that, ask yourself… who would I be if I didn’t partake in that action? What would be possible for me? What would I be able to actually communicate if I didn’t hide behind my victimhood? These questions can be really powerful.
Then engage in some kind of self-care activity that is empowering. When I coach a client, I am able to help her identify what that might be based on her needs. It might be a daily meditation, it might be some kind of martial arts, some guided journaling… whatever it is, a victim doesn’t take care of themselves because they don’t have the power to. But you do have that power. You are not a victim. You are a woman working on self-empowerment and solution-focused relationships.
If you’re resonating with this topic but need some guidance, I am here for you. Shoot me an email and tell me about the flavor of your victimhood. I’ll give you some feedback and a first step. And of course, if you’re ready to really change, my program is available to you as well – as long as you’re willing to do the work and feel better.
