Hey everyone! People often want to know how to get their partner to be different or how to get through to their partner. But today I want to talk to you about your relationship from a different angle – how can you feel better about yourself within your relationship.
But before I do, I just wanted to quickly remind y’all that my new group coaching program, Master Your Marriage & Your Mind is starting next week! I am so excited! I’m going to be teaching you how to change your thoughts about yourself and your marriage, how to release resentment, co-parent effectively, and communicate successfully. We’re also going to cover topics such as being the default parent, creating time for each other, and enjoying your sex life again!
My clients get results. Because I don’t waste a minute slapping on a bandaid. We get right to the woun and clean that bad boy up. When you sign up, you immediately get access to my premium course which houses tons of education and content about how to have a connected, healthy relationship. You then join group coaching sessions where you meet other women working on their marriages and watch me coach them – or you. And you also get some 1:1 coaching with me and a hell of a lot of support in between sessions.
Honestly, it’s a no brainer. Your marriage plays a big part into the quality of your life. Investing time and money into such an important part of your life just makes sense. So if you’re interested, click on the link to get more info and sign up!
Today I want to talk about how to not take things personally and as a result, not wasting so much time and energy on being upset with your partner! Not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty damn good at not taking things personally. I’ve talked before about how I don’t even take my husband’s affair personally.
And it’s not that I’m special or different. It’s that I’ve learned and mastered a concept that allows me to not take things personally. That concept is this: Every single thing that someone else says or does is about them. Just like everything I say or do is about me. And everything that you say or do is about you.
So what do I mean by that? Well, we are emotionally driven beings. We act based on how we feel. So how your partner acts is based on the feelings they are experiencing. That’s not something you have any access to so it’s not in your control which means it’s not your responsibility or even your business really.
Now, you might be thinking.. but wait a minute, aren’t I supposed to make my partner feel good? Aren’t they supposed to make me feel good? Aren’t we supposed to make each other happy? And the answer to that, my friends, is Nope!
And the reason for that is that our feelings come from our thoughts. So if your partner is feeling angry, that’s because they are thinking a thought that makes them feel angry. And you can’t control their thoughts which means you can’t control their feelings. And since we act based on how we feel, that means you definitely can’t control their behavior.
Yet you try to, don’t you? You try to control how they think, feel, and act! I mean, no wonder you feel out of control. You are constantly trying to control the uncontrollable. And to add to that, you are then so emotionally exhausted from trying to control them, that you are left with zero energy to really work on your own mindset and emotions.
So why do you do this? Why do you try and control them? Because you take their behavior personally. You make it about you. And THAT is where all your suffering comes from. You don’t’ suffer until you make it about you.
So let’s do some examples cause I know this concept can be hard to grasp if you’re new to this kind of mindset.
Let’s say your husband doesn’t clean up after himself. Let’s say you’ve asked him a million times to hang up his wet towels or clean up after himself when he cooks or whatever. And when he doesn’t, you make that mean that he doesn’t respect you. You take it personally.
But the truth is that most likely, your husband didn’t clean up because he was feeling careless because he doesn’t think hanging up his towel is important. I know this because I’m a messy person. My messiness never comes with the thought, “I don’t respect my partner so I’m going to leave this mess here.” No, it comes with the thought, “I’ll get this later” or “this is not a bad mess.” Or honestly no thought at all because it is just in my nature to be messy.
But you take the behavior like leaving a wet towel on the floor and you make it mean that they don’t care, that they don’t’ respect all the work you do around the house, etc.
I’m currently reading an amazing spiritual book called Living Untethered by Michael Singer. And he says in there, “nothing in life is personal until I decide I have a preference.” Whoo! When I read that sentence, I had to really put down the book, sit back and think about that one!
It’s so true! We as humans are the center of our own world. And so we relate everything we experience to US. But the world is not personal. We just have strong preferences and when those preferences are not honored, we make it personal.
In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world and we try to impose our world on their world.”
So let’s take it one step further. Forget tangible things like house work. Let’s say your partner insults you. Now, let me make something clear; I am not defending your partner or saying it’s ok, but what I would like to say is that that is still about them! They insulted you because they were feeling something – anger, hurt, confusion, whatever it is. And they feel that feeling because of what THEY are thinking.
Now here’s what happens. You make it about you – and yes of course it’s easy to do that. I’m not saying this stuff isn’t hard. But you make it about you and take it personally. So then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend yourself and create conflict.. or engage in it. But if you were to think, wow they must be experiencing some powerful emotions to act that way. I’m going to let them experience their emotions and come back later to set a boundary pertaining to insults.” All of a sudden, it’s not about you, right?
So, what’s the answer here? Well, I was able to not take my husband’s affair personally because I knew it was about HIM. He had an affair because he was feeling something – emptiness probably. And he was feeling that emptiness because of his mental state. I’m not saying it didn’t affect me, of course it did. But it wasn’t ABOUT me and it certainly had nothing to do with my self-worth.
So let me give you techniques for how to implement this concept. When you and your partner are arguing, I want you to ask yourself, “what might my partner be feeling right now that is causing them to act this way? What is their point of view? Where does this come from for them? What experience have they had that would shape the way they see this?”
This is super powerful because it takes you out of judgment and needing to be right (which is the cause of all conflict btw) and puts you right into curiosity which is the solution to conflict. In fact, one of my most popular episodes is about how to end the conflict with your partner.
Usually, if you really take a step back and try and put yourself in your partner’s shoes, you can see their point of view. Doesn’t mean you have to agree with it or like it, but I do suggest you honor that it’s real for them.
And if you legit try this technique, and you got nothing.. then it’s time to ask your partner some questions. And I don’t mean in a haughty way like “what’s wrong with you?” I mean in a genuinely curious way like “hey what’s going through your mind when you’re acting that way?” or “What’s the experience you’ve had in your life that gives you that point of view?”
Another technique is the debate-team technique. This is a technique I developed and its wildly effective. You’ve probably heard me talk about it before. So, if you’ve ever been on a debate team then you know that the teacher assigns you to be on one side of the debate and you have to argue that side and build evidence. And then, the teacher says switch and you need to be able to debate for the opposite side such as vehemently.
This is a powerful skill. When you and your partner are fighting, especially if it’s a fight that comes up often, I want to challenge you to get out of the “he needs to tell me I’m right” mindset and step into the debate team mindset. So in other words, if you HAD to defend your partner’s side of things to someone, what would you say?
This humanizes them and helps you see that what they’re saying comes from their standpoint. It’s not personal. It’s not about you. But you’re making it about you so you’re the one making it personal.
Now, what if your partner is legit crossing boundaries? I’m not talking about not meeting your expectations or honoring your preferences. I’m talking about a physical or emotional boundary violation.
Well, that’s where you set a boundary and then enforce it. There is a right way to set boundaries so please learn about this before you do it. You can tune in to episode 49, The Right Way to Set a Boundary and learn all about it.
But most of the time, we’re not talking about boundaries. Most of the time, you’re just taking something they’re doing personally, and as a result you’re suffering.
Listen, this shit is not easy. It takes mindset work. Like real life-changing mindset-shifting work. It’s very hard to get there and stay there on your own. So, let me help you! My relationship coaching program will help you become a more peaceful person who doesn’t get upset or feel anxious as often in your relationship.
Like I said when I started this episode, my clients are killing it right now! Most recently, I had one tell me that she no longer creates stories in her head about what her partner is thinking. And another is releasing her role as the default parent and taking better care of herself! Both of these women are feeling lighter and happier. And they’re both enjoying their partner more and feeling more connection.
So if having a more relaxed, peaceful relationship is your goal, scroll down to the show notes and sign up or schedule a free call with me to discuss!
