Hey everyone, welcome back to the show! I often go into deeper, thought work type of topics because that is my specialty and at the end of the day, without it we can’t make any sustainable change.
That being said, there is also a time and place to just focus on small behaviors. In my coaching program, I give my clients actionable steps they can take every week to promote more connection and intimacy in their relationship. The action steps are tailored to their relationship needs of course. But there are a few there just universally connective.
This week I’m giving you five of them. So let’s talk about five EASY ways to be part of the solution in your marriage journey. These actions are quick and can even be put on a daily checklist which I have totally done for clients as well.
You’d be surprised how helpful it is to have a daily checklist for your relationship. When we are not monitoring our actions and how we are showing up in our relationships, we easily fall off the beam of doing the little things that really add up and count towards a general feeling of wellbeing within your marriage.
Ok so the first one is give your partner a compliment. So simple, right? Give them a compliment every single day. If you have kids, you are definitely complimenting them and telling them what they’re doing well, how amazing they are, and how much you love them.
It’s easy with our kids, we see them as innocent. If you resent your partner, you probably have a hard time complimenting them. But if it was a daily goal, what would you notice about them as your brain goes to work looking for a compliment?
Resentment clouds your brain and your lens. You only see your partner through the lens of resentment which is basically gathering evidence for why they suck. But when you are looking to compliment them every day then your brain looks for the good stuff!
So give your partner a compliment every day. It can be anything. The way they interacted with one of the kids, the way they handled something at work, the way they got up early to go work out, the way they showed compassion that day – whatever it is, it counts.
By the way, if you’re really struggling with deep resentment and need some more on that topic, tune into episode 34 titled Five Steps to Releasing Resentment.
Ok the second thing you can do to connect today is to invite them on a date with you. You may not be able to go on that actual date right today but you can schedule it! Telling your partner that you want to spend some adult time with them without the kids and committing to when that will happen is a highly connective action.
Number three is send them a sexy text/picture. Something flirty, something light. What happens to marriage once kids come along is that everything becomes highly logistical. In the early years, it’s who’s going to do feedings and diaper changes. Then it’s who’s going to pick them up or drop them off at daycare/preschool. Then it’s who’s going to have that difficult conversation with them… or coach their sports team… or whatever. It becomes a business.
And in a lot of ways I like thinking of marriage like a business. Except we don’t have sex with our business partners… at least not usually. So there does need to be some intention with sex and foreplay. I put out an episode a couple weeks ago that was very popular. It’s called How to Create the Sex Life You Crave. In that episode, I go deep into how to connect with what turns you on and then how to communicate that with your partner. I’ll link that for you.
Number 4 – Send them a song that reminds you of them. This can be your actual song… your wedding song or some other song you share. Or it can be a new song where the lyrics make you think of your partner. Either way, sending it to them makes them feel special and lets them know you’re thinking about them.
And number five is share your daily wins with each other. This can be done at the dinner table, during pillow talk, or just as a text thread. Sharing 1-3 wins every day not only helps you become a more positive thinker, but it keeps your partner in the loop on what you consider a win and what’s going on in your life. And vice versa for them.
Ok so you see how quick and easy these are? They’re not rocket science. And that’s not a coincidence, people. All it takes is showing your partner that you’re thinking of them. That’s what all of these little behaviors do. So you could even just text them and say, “I’m thinking about you.” It really can be that simple.
Now if you’re feeling resistance to doing these things, I want you to really dig and ask yourself why. Resentment is usually the answer but sometimes its just fear. Either way, the deeper solution to marital issues is always communication. But these little behaviors are like a doorway to deeper communication.
Because what happens when a couple stops with the flirting and the “I’m thinking about you” and the compliments? They become roommates. Roommates don’t’ really need to be having deep, intimate conversations, now do they? They need to sync calendars and logistical plans… but the intimacy isn’t really necessary. So, are you and your partner roommates or intimate partners?
If you need help with this, you’re not alone. In fact, my mission is to reach as many women as I can and help them reconnect with their partner in a deep and meaningful way… giving their kids the childhood they deserve – one with a healthy relationship modeled for them.
So, I am launching a new group program called Master Your Marriage & Your Mind. I’ve taken 20 years of experience and wisdom and put it into one self-paced course. As you go through the course, you will have group coaching calls where I will coach you and other women just like you LIVE. If you’ve never experienced the power of watching other people get coached, you’re missing out. There is something so freeing and empowering about hearing another woman speak the words that are in your mind and then watching her process unfold as she gets coached through it. On top of that, you would have some private time with me as well.
Whatever your marital issue is, I promise I’ve coached on it. Infidelity, resentment, being the default parent, sex, communication – you name it. And I’m really good at it. So shoot me an email if you’re interested and I’ll put you on the email list to get more info as we get closer to the launch. We start March 11th. Email me at Elana@nullpartnershipaligned.com
