Today I want to talk about letting your partner get to know you. Now I know what some of you are thinking. “I don’t lie to my partner.” Well, I’m not talking about whether you tell your partner your exact location or whether you share with them what happened at girls’ night last night.

No, I am talking about something much deeper. I am talking about being completely open with your partner about how you are feeling. If I asked your partner how you feel about a topic within your relationship, or even how you feel about them…would they know? Would they be guessing? Or even more commonly, would they think they know but just be wrong?

Let me give you some examples. Maybe you’re someone who does communicate how you feel but only to a point. You downplay the importance or the impact of an issue, pulling back and not letting your partner know just how upset you really are.

Another example is just plain old silence. Your partner gets an attitude or says something hurtful and instead of directly telling them how you feel, you withdraw and silently stew. What most people call the silent treatment, I call the silent love killer. Either way, your partner knows you’re mad. But when you speak up and tell them exactly how you are feeling and why, you create an opportunity for connection as opposed to the distance that accompanies the cold shoulder.

Listen to me! It is on YOU, ladies, to tell your partner what’s really going on with you. They cannot read your mind. It is YOUR responsibility to take off the mask, to shed the layer of protection you are so desperately holding onto, to give your partner what it is you want from them: emotional honesty. It is time to fully show up in your relationship.

And I know you’re scared; believe me I know. But if you really think about it, your fear is that there will be conflict. But isn’t there already conflict now? Don’t you feel conflicted within yourself? Part of you knows you don’t share fully while the other part of you tries to ignore it. And if your thing is that you would rather be in conflict with yourself then with someone else, don’t worry, I’ll be doing a podcast on that too.

So, let’s talk about the two most amazing experiences you are missing out on by not being real.

The first is genuine intimacy. Now, let me get crystal clear about what intimacy really is. It’s not an orgasm, it’s not a romantic date, and it’s not agreeing on every topic.

Intimacy is the experience of two people loving and accepting each other while showing up as their entire, true selves.

This is an experience well worth the discomfort of being vulnerable. If you think about it, we do many difficult things for the sake of having powerful human experiences. We go through pregnancy and labor to have a child, we go through failure and rejection to chase our dreams, so why not be vulnerable in the name of deep connection and intimacy.

When I was at the Life Coach School Mastermind in Austin, Texas where one of the speakers put up a huge screen that read: “When we do the easy thing, life gets hard. When we do the hard thing, life gets easy.”

I don’t plan on ever having tattoos but if I were to change my mind, that’s the one. Saying how you feel is hard. Not saying how you feel is hard. Choose your hard. Choose yourself.

The other thing you are missing out on when you stifle yourself is emotional freedom. Personally, I find this to be more valuable than intimacy but that’s just me. No need to choose though, getting honest gives you both!

Emotional freedom is a big concept that’s best understood by talking about how it feels when you don’t have it. You know that feeling. The one that lives in your gut telling you quietly and knowingly that you are trapped inside yourself. You shove it away, but it always returns. You have stifled that voice and it is dying to get out. You know you’re not being true to yourself, but it’s easier this way.

Let me explain to you WHY it feels easier to stay quiet. You see, our brains have not evolved. Our society has but our brains haven’t. We are still designed for survival in the same way we were in caveman times, even when we are not in any real danger. In the olden days, being in conflict with others led to rejection from the tribe which ultimately led to death.

Now that we don’t have saber tooth tigers chasing us down, our brains get confused about what real danger is. So that petrified feeling you get when you think about getting real with your partner is actually your brain signaling to you that you may die if this conversation doesn’t go well. So you have to be onto yourself. You have to know that even though that feels real, it’s not. You have to be smarter than your own brain.

But getting back to the feeling of being trapped within yourself, I know this feeling all too well. In what feels like a different lifetime, I was in a marriage where I routinely abandoned myself in the name of not creating waves. Looking back on that marriage, my biggest regret is not being honest about how I was feeling. My ex-husband had some serious demons, so it was easy to stay in denial about myself. Luckily, I had some amazing people gently pushing me to take a look at my side of the street.

It took some powerful coaching to break free of this self-imposed prison and to start getting real. But once I did, Oh My God. All of a sudden, I was free! Free to say no when I meant no and yes when I meant yes. Free to be vocal about what I really want and need. Free to align my insides with my outsides. I felt light and unencumbered. I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to know that I never have to pretend again.

So what’s more important here? Keeping the peace with your partner or keeping the peace with you? And give your partner some credit, most likely they want to know how you genuinely feel. And so what if there is some conflict? Conflict is a small price to pay for the release of resentment and grudges. Give your partner the gift of the real you.

If this work resonates for you, I am opening up my course and my group soon. Schedule a free call with me and let’s see if you’re a good fit!